My mum blocked me

It sounds like you did not have a happy childhood or a loving mother but you’re hoping that somehow she’ll magically become different and be a kind, loving mother who respects her children.

That’s never going to happen. You have no obligation to keep pretending that she isn’t a shitty mother

NTA

I feel as though, as much as you gave, there's a lot of information missing here, especially in lead up to the block.

If you're blocked, she simply doesn't want you in her life, you can't make her hold herself accountable, so hold yourself accountable and accept it for what it is. And maybe, work through some of your own core wounds, her shit likely won't bother you as much if you learn to value yourself.

Why on earth would you want to be apart of someone's life where it got to the point of a block? I value you, I don't know you, but I know you don't deserve to be chasing people who don't want you in their lives. So please, work on you and accept it.

NTA.

I support your decision to protect yourself from your mother. It sounds like she isn't good for your mental health.

But I sense a real confusion from you about what you want. On the other hand, you have blocked her and you recognize she is toxic. But on the other hand you are craving for her to apologize and you would forgive everything for "forgive everything for just one heartfelt, meaningful, apology."

I think you are setting yourself up to be manipulated by her with one beautifully acted apology followed by yet more abuse.

I think it would be healthier for you to let go of the hope that your mother will suddenly turn good and instead focus on what it takes to protect yourself from her emotionally. Does that mean zero contact? Does that mean low contact? Contact only in group situations with people you trust to support you? I have no idea. That's for you to figure out. Just don't expect your Mom to suddenly fix herself.

I was made to feel a lot of shame and I felt a lot of pressure growing up to be the best and achieve. She was cold, vain and selfish, I often went without things I needed such as new school shoes so that she could spend £200 on getting her hair done. I felt she was never there for me when it mattered. She never showed love. She made me feel responsible for her and my dad’s emotions. Nothing was ever good enough for my mum and she would constantly judge me against my sisters and peers. She would spread rumours about me. She never respected my privacy and told people private information about me - my eating disorder, taking photos of me and putting them online when I didn’t want them taken etc… She was often drinking and on occasion she kept smacking and smacking me because I’d upset my step dad and he went off on a strop (I was responsible for his emotional regulation at 14 apparently)! When I found my confidence and I got my voice back, I reminded of these times hoping to put it past us but she gaslighted me saying “I never said/did any of that.” She constantly acts like the victim, she has threatened suicide to get what she wants, she avoids all accountability and I have never heard her say the word “sorry.” Recently I had to pay for my dogs veterinary care because she wouldn’t take him to the vet to save money - she never thanked me.

I am willing to forgive everything for just one heartfelt, meaningful, apology

I was on FaceTime to her yesterday and she started harping on about not doing Christmas because she “can’t afford it” and we shouldn’t be expecting presents at our age. I would never expect to receive presents from her because she has never spent a penny on me

You're saying you never once got a single gift for christmas your entire childhood? Really? wow

I was starting to feel riled up.

Your mom said "I can't get you a present this year" and this upset you because she doesn't normally buy you presents anyway, is that it? You read between the lines, so to speak, and thought she was suggesting you were entitled.

my narcissistic mum then started complaining about my sisters not spending enough money on her for her own birthday?

Pretty typical of narcs. My cousins husband has parents who actually insisted that their 8 kids all chip in to pay for the parents SOLO vacations each year... this was when half the kids were 12-16 still. Like "Here's your allowance, Timmy... now give it back so mom and dad can fly to Fiji!"

Then she started disrespecting my sisters (who I am very close to). She said a few other things too.

INFO: How did she "disrespect" them? What "other things" did she say? This is intentionally vague, and it's something narcissistic people in my family often do when they tell "their side" of a story.

They'll say "And then they outright INSULTED me and said a bunch of other things and blah blah blah. So I BLEW UP and started started screaming at them!"

It doesn't work that way. They're trying to justify their "reaction" to a thing that they intentionally leave out the details on, keeping it vague so they can't be confronted on it.

I silently lost it, she came across as such an entitled bitch to me and I think everything came back up. I sent her a message essentially telling her she was out of order and she needed to show her respect to my sisters and I so that we can move forward.

That sounds reasonable enough. At least you didn't insult her or attack her character, so you took the high road! Good for you.

Anyway she blocked me but before I realised that I managed to send another message via Instagram (before she blocked me on there) about how I was sorry for acting with my emotions and for any hurtful things I said (I called her a hoarder and a selfish and materialistic victim) but that I needed her to apologise

It's funny.. it's the child/partner of the narc who goes NC who is typically the one to "block" to person seeking "narcissistic supply". Though not always, sometimes they just know it'll get to you if they block for a bit, so they do... to play victim.

In this case, you didn't just tell her "she was out of order", you called her a "hoarder", you called her "selfish", and a "materialistic victim". I don't blame you for that, as I've had my own "last straw" moment where I opened up the floodgates of rage... and in truth, it only made ME feel like shit. But I absolutely meant every word I said-- I just wish I had never said it.

Now she's blocked you, and ... okay, maybe that's smart. That's abusive, what you're doing to her (regardless of whether or not your statements were "true" about her character). A bit ironic that you're demanding an apology.

The simply fact here is that when we are abused, eventually we snap and become abusive right back. I'm not judging you for it, I am just calling it what it is: character attacks/name calling etc is an abusive behavior. I've been abusive towards my narc parent in the past as well.

I needed her to apologise for all the hurt she has caused me and all the trauma I’ve experienced in order to move forward with our relationship.

So the "entire childhood" needs to be apologized for? Did you guys get into that? Or are you just expecting her to listen to you tell her all the things she did wrong while repeating "i'm sorry, I'm sorry for that too. Sorry for that as well... please, go on."

This has turned into not a disagreement about "showing some respect to your sisters" but now you're asking for a re-hashing of your entire life, and an apology for it.

I don't think a sane person can expect this all at once. Just food for thought, if you even have any real interest or hope in salvaging the "relationship", such as it is.

I essentially said I would rather not have you in my life if you don’t acknowledge how much you hurt me.

Not enough details, but it's obvious the whole dynamic between you two is toxic... and I'm sure that didn't just "happen" out of nowhere.

I’m trying to be mature in this, all I want is some acknowledgment- do I deserve that?

The thing about getting "acknowledgement" from a parent with narc tendencies is that you aren't going to. The ironic thing is, "acknowledgement" is what they want from you too... we just call it "supply". They want you to acknowledge how GREAT they were, and are... and how much they did for you. YOU want them to acknowledge you as your own person worthy of respect, and to acknowledge how IMPERFECT they were/are, and how parts of your childhood were hurtful.

Both sides want "supply", but neither has enough to satisfy the other... or something like that anyway. For me and my narc parent(s), I've just chalked it up to this attitude: We're like oil and water. Did my dad do a bunch of shitty, bad things during my childhood and afterwards? Absolutely. Am I going to get a little "acknowledgement" regarding my feelings of being disrespected in later life and traumatized in my early childhood? No... never. I won't get an apology either.

I think I am an asshole for the way I reacted and for how I feel but is this two assholes being assholes or is it just me? What should I do? Any advice will be appreciated. I also feel like the way people word these always puts them in a better light as it only shows one side of the story.

I'll be honest with you, I was coming at this seeing you in a harsh light because of some "omitted details", but what you're saying at the end here shows incredible maturity. Not blowing smoke here... it's pretty great that you are still TRYING to have empathy and see both sides.

Here's my only "advice", such as it is. You need to detach/distance emotionally from the toxicity of this relationship. Only you can decide if that's "gray-rocking" through a relationship for years to come, or going VLC (very low contact) or full NC (no contact).

The reason I say you need that distance is because of this: look at how it made YOU feel when you finally "took the gloves off" and told your mom a few things that you'd been bottling up for a long time. It didn't make you feel like a better person, it wasn't a "victory" in any real sense... it was just you finally reaching that breaking point that we all get to, where we lash out in return.

Distance yourself so that you remain the mature adult that you want to be, where you keep your composure-- you don't need anything from your mom. I know you still WANT the same things all children do (whether it's adult children or not)... but you don't NEED them. You very likely won't get them, either, even if you try. That's a hard pill to swallow, but it's very often true.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to put whatever amount of emotional distance you need between you and this toxic relationship so that you don't end up becoming someone you don't want to be.

Don't beat yourself up over what you said to your mother. You're not a bad person, and it isn't a reflection on "who you are". Taking away their ability to drive us crazy and push our buttons is the best thing we can do for ourselves as children of parents who are narcissistic.

Lastly, your mom sounds like a covert-narc, always the victim. In my experience, that type is infinitely more hurtful than the grandoise narc, because the covert-narc isn't just "putting you down" and belittling you or berating you, they're actively blaming you for their hurt, their emotions, and it's a totally different way to be told "you're a horrible human being".

At least my grandoise narc dad just called me "an idiot", but my covert narc mom said things like "it hurts me so much to realize that you've never loved me, not even as a child".

If you're dealing with one of those, just run.

she will unblock you once she realizes you are not trying to contact her. uh... you probably want to block her yourself if you want peace in your life.

NTA, though.