Smooth sailing cocaine prescription or calm before blizzard?

Mental health wise ive never been diagnosed. I've talked to therapists; PTSD, BPD, Depression. anxiety, binge eating and ADHD has always been thrown around. I know for a fact i struggle with binging and i because of sexual abuse as a child i have issued with intimacy and I'm assuming ptsd. I never really stick around long with counselors because i feel like i overshare too fast and that makes me uncomfortable, knowing that they know all of my secrets but i dont know there's.

Ive always struggled with alcohol being a constant in my life. If it didn't make me feel so shitty, fat, broke and sloppy i probably wouldn't have quit but i really do want a better life. I smoke pot and have smoked pot consistently for 12 years with small intermissions of months at a time. I still, from time to time dabble in psychedelics and K but not enough to be a problem. I was put on and tried Escitalopram for four months and felt nauseated and I guess, not so sad but also not so happy.

Sooo anyways after a one year relapse after two year sobriety from alcohol, i am 3 an a half months dry. I have still been smoking pot and actually also doing quite a bit of cocaine. While its costing a bunch of money , i have never been so motivated in my life. I know i know, i sound stupid. But seriously, my home is organised, ive been making art ( i haven't done that since before the relapse.) Im maintaining an active social calendar. Im on time for work, Ive been stretching. AND ALSO... No one has seemed to notice?????????? My binging has stopped i still eat a correct amount of calories and i dont do any coke after 830pm unless its a weekend, then 10 pm. I do not do any coke before 10 or 11 am. On some days off, when i dont mind feeling unmotivated & anti social, i do abstain from cocaine.

Now, im not an idiot, this is not sustainable....unlessss......???? Anyone else have similar experiences that have found a solution???

Is there perhaps a legal more affordable drug that wont destroy my nostrils that i should and could be doing. I've been "self medicating now for 12 years now and id love to grow up.