I need to find away to stop

I knew Thanksgiving would be hard and I would be alone so I stocked up on some hard liquor. A few days before I ran into my ex and we decided to make try things again. I basically drank Wednesday to Friday. I drank to black out. I came to Saturday and saw that I said some vile things to my ex. I can’t remember the conversation and even in my black out state I deleted all the text… all I have are phone records. I feel so bad for this. Why must I drink so much especially to the point of black out? I want to stop. I isolate and drink hard liquor until I pass out, it’s just those times where my I think I have passed out but I haven’t. I just hate that I cannot remember my last conversation with her. I feel so stupid and like such a jerk.