AM I WRONG FOR WANTING TO EXPERIMENT WITH BISEXUALITY

Hi, to start off I'm sharing my story on here because I think I'm bi and have no one to talk to about this. I don't want to talk about this to anyone in real life . I'm a 26 year old male who just got out of a 5 year relationship with my gf 6 months ago . We both decided to break up due to differences and I've been single and not talking to any women ever since.

Now that I'm single I don't want to rush into dating because I'm drained from being in a long relationship and then just suddenly breaking up like that . That said I still do have sexual urges, but I don't want to have sex with a women because I'll develop feelings and want to be in a relationship . This made me bring up same sex urges I've had for a long time but suppressed.

The first time I was aware of same sex stuff was as a kid . I remember my father saying that he better not ever find out I let a man put his penis in my mouth or butt or he would disown me. A different time I remember my mom also telling me to not ever let a man put his penis in my butt because it hurts . She said this because she found out I innocently flirted with bfs brother at the time.

I Was just shocked that they were telling me this and I guess it made me curious since this was the first sex talk i ever heard of. So after that I wondered why is it forbidden .As a kid i figured that all the best stuff was forbidden so it made me want to try the stuff they were talking about .bfor example , dont eat candy, dont stay up to late , dont play video games all day, dont be bad like your friends. Anyway time passed and i pushed those Thoughts out of my mind .

Fast forward to me turning 19 years old and my uncle moves into my mom and step dads house in the room connected to mine . He was a really cool guy and we always got along really well. I looked up to him and enjoyed just hanging out with him .

One day he went to visit my father and came back with porn and weed . I hadn't watched porn or smoked weed in a long time and felt tempted and gave in . My uncle watched the porn with me while we smoked weed and Made comments about him liking to eat butthole and do anal . He then asked if he could smell my butt and put his penis in me

At first I thought he was joking and not serious, But I could tell by the vibe and hoW he looked at me that he was serious . So I then stopped and asked him "wouldn't that make you gay ?" He said no, he Said that he would be straight and I would be gay because his penis is going inside me. HONESTLY after this I was extremely aroused and thought about letting him have me . I was like this man is nasty af to want to smell my butt and put his penis where I poop from, and for some reason that made me aroused and attracted to the situation more. To me this guys lust had to be crazy if he wanted to do something like that .

The problem IS THAT HE was the type that when he gets mad, he tells people things to upset them . SO I FELT, that if I let him have me that he would tell my mom " I fucked your son in the ass" just to hurt her .I didn't wanna risk the shame of my family knowing my uncle did that to me . So I didn't let him do anything .

Fast forward again to me being recently single and 26 years old . I've recently downloaded a dating app called grindr and started talking to men. The problem is I only like dating women . I feel extremely guilty about wanting to be with a man . I know for a fact that if women found out i let a guy go inside me, they would not want to date me at all . My female coworkers have all agreed that if a guy is into doing stuff with men then he's not an option. They get repulsed about same sex relations between males.

So now I'm gonna explicitly talk about my current grindr situation. Sorry for the vulgar explicit language . Please don't kink shame me for the type of guys I'm attracted to or the sex acts I'm into . Im 26, I think good looking . Many girls tell me I'm cute and handsome and look sweet. I guess I have a feminine vibe or energy sometimes . I'm small frame so total small guy energy.

WHEN I watch porn I watch straight porn. When i watch a girls butthole stretch open on porn it turns me on thinking of me trying that. The men I'm attracted to are the complete opposite of me . Im not attracted to good looking men. I'm attracted to older rough looking nasty horny men . Men that most women would find really unattractive. I like old Crack head looking guys that just want to be inside me . I've heard a few really pretty women on YouTube say they are into this and it's what they like for them . They called it ugly old bastard fetish . When u saw this I was like " wow I'm not the only one " lol.

So finally ,for the last week I've been talking to 2 older black men that fit my type and I'm sexually attracted to . They both live about a little under 2 hours from me . I picked a city far from me so that I wouldn't randomly run in to them at work or in the store or something.
That's why I only chose someone far away .

One guy is constantly sweet talking me and constantly asking to see my butthole . He keeps telling me to come over , that he's watching porn , that he wants to use me back there.

The other guy is more rough and crackhead looking . He's a tall guy with a big long penis. HES more aggressive and telling me he's gonna "dick me down". He keeps saying come now, come now.

SO IVE DECIDED That I'm going to go ahead and follow through this time for the first time ever and hook up with one or both of these men. . SORRY FOR such a LONG LONG boring story . you guys are the only ones i can talk to about this right now .

QUESTION TIME. YOU CAN ANSWER ONE OR MORE QUESTIONS IF YOU CAN HELP . PLEASE ONLY SERIOUS ANSWERS.

QUESTION 1. HAS ANYONE HERE BEEN IN A SIMILIAR SITUATION ? MALES OR FEMALES .

QUESTION 2 . IS IT OK TO SLEEP WITH BOTH MEN ON THE SAME DAY? SHOULD I JUST SLEEP WITH ONE MAN FIRST THEN GIVE MYSELF TIME TO PROCESS WHAT HAPPENED?

QUESTION 3. WILL I BE TRAUMATIZED AFTER I LET A MAN IN ME FOR THE FIRST TIME? I mean mentally traumatized from doing something extreme like that . ? IM ASHAMED af that I want to do this but I'm sure I want to do this . I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE "WALK OF SHAME" MEANS AFTER THIS LOL.

4.IS IT WRONG THAT I LIKE WOMEN BUT I WANT A MAN WHILE IM SINGLE ? I FEEL EXTREEEEEEEEEEMELY GUILTY AND BAD FOR ANY FUTURE GIRLFRIEND I MIGHT HAVE. I FEEL THAT IF ANY GIRL I WAS WITH KNEW THIS THEN SHE WOULD BE ASHAMED OF ME. ITS HARD FOR HER TO SEE ME AS MASCULINE IF SHE FINDS OUT A MAN DEMASCULATED ME .

QUESTION 5.Why do I want this? I'm considered attractive to where I date pretty girls . I go to work, school and am pretty average overall. You would never look at me and think that I would ever do something this nasty . I feel like it's totally normal because lots of people do it in their butts both men and women. For some reason though it brings shame and embarrassment if my family or friends knew .

Thank you all for letting me vent and talk about what I'm going through relationship wise right now . Sorry that it was so long . Tried to create a clear picture of my situation . Any random advice would be appreciated .😊