I’m struggling with my home TW: ED / marijuana use / SH

Hello. I’m never sure how to begin posts.

I’m struggling with my home. It’s my first time living with a significant other without roommates. It’s been eight months together- I love my partner a lot. He’s also AuDHD, he understands me and I feel I understand him. Since we’ve moved in together it’s been difficult organizing and having our home set a certain way. My partner came with A LOT of stuff. I did not. I grew up with scarcity mindset and hoarder parents. So, my home always felt cluttered. I used to SH over the lack of control I had over it in my youth. I never want more than I need.

In this situation I’ve considered moving out as I don’t see any possible way of this problem being solved. It got so bad I started self medicating with marijuana just to calm down and numb myself from it. I try to stay in my own space where it’s comfortable the way I have made it. My partner believes my perspective is through a rose coloured lens. I also want to say my partner is amazing and he tries so hard to help- his ADHD prevents him from organizing.

My ED was recently triggered. I struggled with anorexia nervosa for fifteen years starting at age 13. I got better and thought I was doing well until none of my pants would button up. Truly, I wasn’t prepared for this. Now, my life feels like it’s spiralling out of control. I don’t have a therapist and I can’t afford one so that’s off the table right now. I feel like I’m suffocating. The house situation is worse since school ended- I don’t have the distraction of my degree over my head for the winter break. I can’t get out of bed and I feel dead inside. I don’t know what to do.

Does this make sense at all? I feel like I’m crazy for being bothered by my environment like this.