My 5 year journey with someone with BPD

My goal is to share slices of my experience in the hopes of connecting with other lost souls who have been similarly afflicted.

When I met her the terms love-bombing, mirroring, narcassism, attachment styles and borderline personality disorder were lost on me. "I found my soulmate! We're so alike, it's astonishing!" That was all I thought. There were problems from time to time, but nothing serious at all. All misunderstandings for the most part.

6 months later she broke up with me. To say it came out of the blue was an understatement. The previous day she had expressed the most warm, kind and loving words. The next day, I was talking with someone the void of love and understanding. Cold hard indifference.

I went into no contact. No more than 5 weeks went by without her contacting me (or hoovering). And there were many little hints in between, and this is even a story in itself.

During our time apart I must have read every book on attachment styles, depression and BPD I could find and listened to countless hours of podcasts. Everything made sense. Every little detail.

It's true, they come back when you no longer want them. But this time I was okay keeping contact as a friend. Slowly over many months, many hints she worked herself back in. Telling me she loved me this whole time, how she slept with my jacket and how I was still supportive after she broke my heart. At the time I was rolling my eyes, but it was nice to hear. I took the bait, it was my fault. Let me ask you, does a person in love with you treat you with indifference for the better part of half a year? No, they don’t.

Welcome to Redflagsville

Over time she's claimed she's a narcissist, that she loves revenge and that she's a great manipulator. She takes pride in all of these. Silly me thought if I gave her enough love and care I could change her, I could mend her troubled childhood. Naivety was my first mistake.

I have an incredibly sharp mind for detail. Even the most subtle difference is a ripple on a still lake. The strangest part is how she would lie about the smallest, most inconsequential things.

If her parents bought new furniture, she bought it for them. She claims she donates 50% of her bi-weekly paychecks to charity. Everything she owns is either "very expensive" or was "incredibly rare and hard to find." She claims she pays for physical therapy for her sister's husband after his accident and on and on

By the way, I've never met her sister as she lives in another country and they don’t get along. My ex has always expressed how her sister always needs to borrow money, how she's incompetent and not successful. She said she is a struggling ESL teacher. Through coincidence, I learned her sister is actually quite a successful entrepreneur and financially wealthy. I’ve tried to hint that I know but she doubles down on that lie each time, digging it deeper and deeper. And this one lie extends to many instances.

Yes, I’m guilty of withholding that information. Instead, I tried to create a supportive environment where she could be comfortable telling me the truth. Why didn’t I come forward with what I know?

Explosive. Temperamental. Rage.

Have you ever seen the meme of the woman yelling at the cat? If I came questioning her about something that didn’t add up she would scream “You’re bringing up the past, you know how much I hate that! You’re making me mad.” Followed by the silent treatment. Quickly I learned particular things were associated with anger.

I’d ask her a simple question that was completely innocent and I would have to spend days defending myself from something that never materialized in my mind. 0% I felt like a man falsely accused of a crime. It's an awful feeling.

These instances of rage always shocked me. I would never see them coming. Spending time with her would often make me feel like I had pressure in my chest. I would feel like I was walking through a minefield. I soon realized the only peace I was afforded was when she gave me the silent treatment.

The 2nd Breakup

Long story short, I caught her being unfaithful. During our relationship, I felt something was off. When I previously questioned her about this she screamed at me, called me crazy and that was that. Turns out I had her dead to rights all along. And for most of our relationship this was the LAST thing on my mind. I didn't imagine she was capable of this.

She was silent, and tried saying "But what about your female friends?" She knew all of them on a personal level and this reputable was nowhere near fair. She cheated. I had to tell her when I spoke to anyone of my female friends on the phone, and she was never pleased with it. Deep down she didn't want me to have any female friends. So she was quiet and didn't have anything to say. Shame.

Days later I spent some time writing a letter on a napkin in a coffee shop expressing how hurt I was because at the time I realized I had never considered my emotions, I just didn't want her to get mad. I told her I don't know how we move forward from this, we would need to do it together. The letter was very kind and understanding for both of us, especially considering what she did. Looking back, I wouldn't have written the letter at all, she didn't deserve my patience.

I arrived at her parent's house to read her my thoughts. She snagged the napkin from my hand and stormed into her old room. She came out and screamed at me about how I should have never brought this subject up, I shouldn't have brought up the past and shouldn't have spoken about this so soon from when we previously had our talk because it was hard on her. She also said "I'm not telling you who I am talking with online! You crossed a line!" I never insisted she tell me, I think it's healthy to make friends. Ideally, I would just want to trust her... but the problem is she broke my trust.

We spoke on the phone 1 hour later. She told me she was done, she wanted to be alone and so forth. She was very upset. I told her I wished her all the best in life and haven't opened up the messenger since.

My cousin, sister and a couple of friends read the letter I wrote and couldn't believe her response... "an overreaction is an understatement, your letter was sweet and understanding" was the general consensus.

Quick Personality Recap (admitted by her)

• Extreme fear of abandonment

• Suicidal thoughts and feelings of emptiness

• Black and white thinking and emotional instability

• Inappropriate anger towards literally anyone

• Self loathing

• Abusive parents

Post Breakup Thoughts and Emotions and The "Sunk Cost Fallacy"

The further I get away from this situation, the uglier it is. The act, what she lied about and even how she responded to my letter. If I did 1/10th of what she did and lied about it... she would spit in my face and block me forever.

​

• She can never say I wasn't patient

​

• She can never say I raised my voice

​

• She can never say I wasn't kind and loving

​

• She can't say I wasn't attentive.

​

• She can't say I wasn't supportive, even at her worst

​

• She can't say I wasn't unfair

​

• She can't say I was unfaithful

​

• She can't say I was untrustworthy

​

• She can't say I was ever vengeful

I made her laugh every day. I made her feel confident and beautiful, appreciated, understood and loved. My whole family did. Finding a person with all those attributes, that ALSO likes her too. Well, I can't comprehend the odds.

I'm 99.999% sure she will reach out again, but it's not out of love. When you love someone, you treat them with respect and honesty. You don't give them the silent treatment on purpose. You don't gaslight, manipulate and lie.

Some days I'm hurting. When I think of what happened it feels like the wind was knocked out of me, or a knife stabs my heart. Other days I'm great. I never know what to expect, just that it's an opportunity for growth if I give it a chance. What makes it so hard is the fact the relationship wasn't all bad. She was very caring, attentive and supportive and I suppose that's what makes it a trauma bond. And why it's hard to move on, as we spent almost 5 years together. I have a feeling she thinks she has me trapped like I won't move on so easily, or that I'll never do better.

I’m in a vulnerable spot, ever since I dreamt about her last night. And it was one of those dreams where you wake up and for a couple seconds you don’t know if it was real or not, I even checked my phone. I feel sympathy for her so much so that my negative emotions are beginning to fade. I’m thinking “if she reached out, I would respond.”

​

​