A tornado came right by my house, I didn’t take shelter or really care enough to. Help?

I am 24 years old and my husband is turning 38. We have one child who is 5.

I met my husband when I was 18 years old and he was 32. There is quite an age gap.

My husband and I have a ton of marriage issues anyways but I’ll keep that out of it.

I have PTSD (from issues within my marriage) OCD, anxiety and chronic depression. All of this with an onset of getting married. We’re trying counseling as a last resort. A big reason I am here is because I’m a stay at home mom, who also has a bunch of health issues such as POTS.

I’ve been suicidal many times but never have acted on it. I’d say I have strong ideation of it without a plan. More less, if a car was coming my way, I’d probably just stand there.

I have sort of given up. I don’t really see a point in much these days other than my child, but sometimes that’s not even enough for me to get these thoughts away.

It’s stemming from a bad marriage and zero support. I have no friends, no girls to talk to, I never had a father in my life. My mother and I have been no contact really on and off since I moved out at 19. I have my grandparents but we rarely see eachother these days since Covid (they have bad health issues and stay indoors to avoid exposure)

I just do not feel loved. I don’t really have anybody to have a conversation with. I never feel safe with my husband. I’ve had so many discussions with him about this. I feel like it’s too hard to start over. Getting sick and losing my ability to drive set me back even further, I’m even more dependent on him when my goal would be to gain independence.

I’ve told my husband actually just yesterday, I don’t see the point. I’m not making a plan nor am I going to hurt myself- I just don’t really care much if it were to happen. I told him I’m not sure how much more stress in this relationship I can realistically take.

Well today, sure enough, there was 2 tornadoes that ripped through my town and killed many. It destroyed homes completely in the neighborhood next to mine. Half the town is demolished.

I heard the warnings on my phone and it said to take immediate cover. I live in a 3 story home and didn’t even flinch. I was on the third floor.

I ask my husband to take our son downstairs. He ask me once to come and I said “maybe it will just blow me away, I have things to do”.

I really just didn’t care. My husband simply said “okay bye”

I never did come downstairs or take cover.

I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable. I can’t go on like this much more.

I used to be happy. I drove, had friends, went to college, had good health.

I don’t really think I want to die, I just want someone to care enough about me to want me to live. I want my situation to change.