about to relapse after 1 year sober

I am super disappointed with myself but it is what it is. I have been going to a psychiatrist for the past year and he pretty much made it clear to me that I need to be on ADHD medication but that it would be a malpractice for him to prescribe them because I am an addict. Imagine having a disease and going to the doctor and them telling you they know what you need but they will not give it to you.

i officially give up. its been a year since i have been dependent on anything but i am going to start using again and I dont care if i get physically addicted to something again. its better than offing myself.