[455] Afia - Chapter 1 Revised

Hello! This is my second attempt at writing this chapter. Definitely not my best work but please, any feedback will help! I'm trying to write better and your feedback is very helpful.

My submission

The title still need some work!

My critique

Some of the critiques I received last time said my original text felt too disconnected from my MC, there was a bit of info dumping/exposition, purple and awkward prose, my sentences were overwritten, and much more. Please let me know if I'm facing the same problem again and if you can, may I get a rating out of five or so.

Thank you in advance!