When will I have enough?

I feel I've lost a lot of shit too much to ever not feel insane living. And I've lived my life insane for so long past the point of taking my life as a joke. I used my body and mind as a tool for entertainment feeling hatred and then nothing towards it. To beyond tired, I give up attempting to understand. It's like no matter what when it comes to things that truly matter I lack the key component to meaningfully understand anything so knowing is...i can't even say so I think that's telling enough. I just wonder when my exhaustion from sustaining an empty life will override my natural instinct to preserve nothing