Are relationships supposed to be this hard? (Long post, sorry)

My boyfriend (23, m) and I (21, f) have been dating for just about two years now, and we’ve been through some serious ups and downs. I’m talking long-distance, severe stress over school/careers, moves, illness, deaths in the family, personal growing pains- you name it, and we’ve managed to make it out with only a couple of periods where we were really unsure if this was gonna work. Now, on paper everything is great. I mean my parents literally think of him as a second son, my younger brother looks at him as a role model, his family is amazing and have treated me like one of their own since the beginning. He’s a good man, he takes great care of me, and I do love him very much- he’s my best friend. But I’m not sure if I’m truly IN love with him. We’re literally planning our futures together, and the idea of losing him breaks my heart in a way I can’t truly put into words. But at the same time, honestly he kind of drives me crazy. He’s really needy and sensitive, and tends to look at things only from his perspective when feelings are involved. He claims he can’t compartmentalize his emotions, so when we’re having relationship difficulties, they completely overtake him and he shuts down- which he then blames me for. I, on the other hand, was raised to deal with my emotions by myself; I don’t put them on other people, and I don’t allow them to consume my life (I’m not saying my method is better, or vice-versa, this is a completely objective analysis. Trust me I know my way has its flaws too). This has been a big point of contention for me (I haven’t brought it up because he won’t receive it well; confrontation hurts his feelings) and I honestly feel like I’m dealing with a child because every single time we’ve had an issue (big or small) I’ve been the one to apologize and back down because I simply don’t feel that it’s worth losing him over. The other day was literally the first time he actually acknowledged that he’d given me a hard time in the past, but it was completely out of nowhere and he was very vague with his phrasing. It was also the first time he’d apologized without saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I’ve also always been the one to fight for our relationship the hardest when things have gotten particularly bad. I think I do hold some resentment towards him about this honestly, but mainly I just fear for what my life might look like should I actually go through with marrying him, because in the two years we’ve been together this has been such a consistent problem. My parents hated each other when I was growing up because they were both raised in extremely abusive/neglectful environments and neither of them ever learned to deal with their trauma; instead they married someone who could relate on some level, but also brought an element of familiarity in that that together they created absolute chaos within the household. I am terrified of ending up in a similar situation. My dad is a good man, but he’s incredibly emotionally immature/stunted and I see a lot of him in my boyfriend. My mom, though an admittedly complicated individual, is a good person at her core. But she put me through hell as a child, and to this day she remains incredibly emotionally reactive/disregulated. I’m doing everything I can to avoid ending up like her, but I worry the anger I feel over how my boyfriend tends to almost martyr himself when we’re struggling- something my dad often did to my mom- is going to cause me to end up hating him if it isn’t addressed. But as it stands, I don’t feel like I can bring it up because he just won’t receive it. I want us to work out, but honestly I feel so frustrated and hurt that I’m always the bad guy that I can’t enjoy spending time with him. I hate myself for it. I hate that I’m less engaged with him, I hate that the idea of spending time alone together stresses me out, I hate that he’s always so excited to talk to me and I can’t match his energy even if I try because of these feelings. I do love him so much and I feel so selfish because I can’t seem to get over this. I can’t talk to my parents about this because I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with any fallout, but it’s driving me crazy.