I feel bad and don't have anywhere else to post I can think of

hi

i've been trying for a while and it's been difficult

um i basically am in a bad place and i can't see where it could get better i guess this is just until i see my therapist again because i am seeing one

so i am a man i'm late 20s i'm a virgin, i've never had a girlfriend, i'm 5'5 i'm balding i'm a graduate and i can't get a job.

i don't even have the energy to format rn lol i'm torn between if i'll go back and fix or not

basically i just kind of have an annoying fucking shit life. um look for real, i've tried at like 3 different careers and not managed to get into any of them, i've been trying to get a job in my degree field for over a year after graduating college and not only can i not get that, but i've applied to a lot of basic level customer service jobs and been rejected by all of them

i want sex, but trying on tinder and hinge i only got like 5 likes for free or something and obviously with my stats you can tell i didn't get any matches. but i can't get money to hire a sex worker because of the inability to get a job

ultimately yes, i could go to get unemployment and they'd set me up with something but then all i'm doing is forcing myself to have to go out looking for jobs to keep that up, to eventually get put in a job i don't want just because i interviewed for it and got it, so i'm doing something i don't care about just to still die a virgin

and obviously posting this isn't helping because it makes me less appealing as a potential person to have sex with. and duh like as if i was going to in the first place.

i know people say stuff like don't place value in sex or looks and find it in yourself but here's a thought, what if you actually are ugly and it just so happens that nobody will want to be with you when stats are enough that you'll always be overlooked (literally haha).

i'm so sick of just like being alive and having to do anything. why? oh so i can now be forced to work to still die a virgin. if this is what's happened in my life so far maybe nothing will change. nobody mentions that before jumping in OH IT COULD GET BETTER!!!!!!!

bro if i went back in time to 12 year old me and 12 year old me saw how i'd look and heard what my life would be like now due to potential no girlfriends or jobs or real things i want to do in life, i'd have probably killed myself back then after seeing me now.

i don't like being alive. i don't like eating food, i don't like exercise or having to shower or brush my teeth or do anything. all i feel are the downsides. yes maybe i have depression but i go to see people and get brushed off oh we'll put a call through in the mean time you can chat to blah blah.

'why should i do it?'

'oh because you're a human being and have value and all life is precious blah blah blah blah blah'

if you knew your life was going to be the same bad forever, and the evidence is the life i've already had in favour of that compared to any remotely better, with all of the fighting i did, and all i am now is more beaten down, then i might just get actually way way worse before eventually dying anyway. so yeah maybe it is better to just do nothing and starve on the streets. i don't like being alive and i never had. i've never ever had a good life. never been sought after or yearned for or anything. just someone just some other person. the fact alone that women just just gush over tall man or attractive men and i'll never have that and just that i could have had it but never will and am forced to see people get it because yes, i have to use the internet to search for jobs and yes i have to be in the presence of that no matter how much i try to avoid it

i just have failed at so much and idk it's just not good. i just hate everything. i'm tired. life isn't good to everyone it isn't fair it isn't baseline average, for some people it's incredible and they just have everything and for some people it fucking sucks

i know you might see this a lot and it's boring or whatever but i just hate it. i hate seeing how horrible people are all the time and the reality of how cruel people are. i show that to myself to remind myself how naive and stupid i was to think good things could happen because there is nothing that exists that can't eventually be corrupted and eventually become worse before you die. things can always get worse that's what time is, living is a bottomless pit of it

i don't care thinking how to end this properly i'm too tired to keep typing are 'mental health resources' a hot girl i can fuck