The past couple of weeks made me realize I am suicidal and I’m embarrassed.

My whole life I put on the show that I am the happy one and everyone knows me for my laugh and such. But truthfully I’ve felt alone since as long as I can remember. I lied to everyone my whole life even myself.

I knew I was getting depressed the last few months of the relationship with my kids mom. I tried to tell her when we were together. After we broke up she made it clear she did not believe me as “I was so happy to go out with my friends. How could I have been depressed?” It hit deep cause she was right but now I know I hide my feelings with fake smiles. I’ve done it since I was a kid. I’ve known that I am fake and put up facades depending on who I am with since middle school. I just never realized it was to hide how low I really feel.

2 weeks ago I came home on lunch from a rough day at work and I was feeling really low and then I got in my car to go back and the battery was dead. The only reason I’m still here is cause I couldn’t start the car to get anything to do it with. I road my bike back to work and the bike ride was what I needed. It gave me time to think and I’m gonna get out if this hole for my son.

I am here as I am embarrassed to tell any of my friends and I have so many so idk why.