losing myself over the years

I’ve been in deep thought for the last few days, ive been a shut in for 10 years now, I'm not here to garner sympathy or anything. As I was saying I’ve been in deep thought, what I've been thinking about is some of the causes of my unhappiness over the years that I've come to recognize, thought patterns and such. There are many but for today I’ll share one such thing that has plagued me for the longest time and caused me a lot of suffering.

1. Giving too much of myself away.

My real life is garbage so of course what i did was cope by being terminally online, I'm such a massive pussy though that I could never bring myself to engage in conversation with other humans even online, so what I did was just consume, I consumed and consumed and consumed and consumed information online, I read comments and watched videos about other people’s lives and watched movies and shows and animes and played games, The fun parts, the good parts, the bad parts, the ugly parts i just consumed and slowly i gave parts of myself away , till all i had was this sense and urge of wanting to consume again, it was a parasocial relationship but with everyone and everything. I would become intensely sad everytime i did it and just from reading a random comment on a cooking video on youtube, ain't that crazy some part of myself subconciously must have realised and it manifested with in me as guilt and sadness, I was watching the fireworks on new years day from my window when I suddenly felt very appreciative a stark contrast to the usual apathy and indifference I feel, that's when I had this realisation like a thunder striking me, I had given so much of myself away just consuming things that I was left with nothing, not even a name any longer which is why I always felt intense sadness after surfing the web. Random people were more of value to me than myself, the urge to consume and throw myself in the trash again greater, no matter the excuses i would probably give the truth is the truth. Something so meaningless and done with barely any thought. I’m not giving anymore of myself away, i’ve come to that decision, no more mindless consumption, this is what has been giving me brain rot, I’m not consuming things at my own expense any more. It has to be meaningful and i’ll become so in tune with myself that anything other than being me will feel wrong. No man or woman should be taking in that amount of information as if they were a god. Even if i have to sit in silence with in the confines of my own room.