I think I may take my own life

I guess I can begin with that I've always had a proclivity to suicide. Pretty much my entire adult life(29m) I've felt inadequate. No real relationships. Struggling to keep employment. Disconnect with friends, and just really no social life to speak of has been the driving factors.

Fast forward to a few months ago in July, I started dating this girl. We hit it off. I fell for her hard. Everything seemed to be falling into place. She had her issues and I knew that, and I tried to just be there for her. She was unhappy at her job and we talked and she finally decided to leave which I again supported. But for about a week she started to change and grew more distant. To the point when she broke up with me over text, it didn't really surprise me. Honestly, the break up was hard, but the really hard part was she completely cut all contact from me. Ultimately blocking me from everything. I've tried to reach out in various ways, but the door gets slammed in my face everytime. I've never been given closure. The most I got was she needed to work on herself, but I didn't need a relationship. I just needed her to care that my feelings were hurt too and for her to care about me somewhat, but she doesn't. She just wants to erase me. Which brings to the forefront all the negative things I've ever thought about myself. I've always felt there was something wrong with me. Some reason people can't stand to be around me. I don't just get rejected, people run from me. Like I'm some sort of monster.

That brings me to now, I have a plan. Over the few months I've contacted the suicide holiness about 3 times or so. I'm going to therapy. But honestly, I'm done. I'm shattered inside. This relationship was the final confirmation of what I've felt for the past decade which is I just dont measure up. I'm not worth people's time. Existence is painful. I know what suicide will do to the people I love, but its like a cancer growing inside me. It's consumed me. I think im nearing the end.