I don't know anymore

I HATE MYSELF

I don't know why I am so adamant that I must sin so much when people around me has been very helpful in pulling me up. I always relapse going back watching porn and I simply cannot stop watching. Why can't I give up this ugly life when Jesus is willing. Why do I reject the new life he is willing to offer just to enjoy watching porn. Why do I refuse to be transformed, I'll never know. I do not want to break out of this addiction cuz I am stupid to the see big picture. I refuse to be healed by God.

I don't know what I am even seeking posting this here. I just wish I never had any sexual desire now.