I wish I was asexual and didn't have bottom dysphoria

I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex until I've had bottom surgery and the waiting times and negative opinions of others regarding the surgery are making me miserable.

This post is not about other people. It's only about me. I'm not shaming anyone for having sex with their natal genitals. I envy everyone who feels comfortable enough to do so. I wish I could do it too, but after jerking off on my own without anyone there I immediately feel disgusted with myself. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable exposing myself in front of someone else without breaking down and thus ruining the experience. No matter how close we are.

I've had acquaintances and even doctors try to persuade me not to get bottom. Saying there are many alternatives available like strap ons, etc. However that is not the same thing. I look different down there. I already feel bad every time I go to the toilet. There's no way I can have sex with someone without having a dick and enjoy it. I feel sick enough doing it on my own already. How am I supposed to enjoy it with someone else if I can't even enjoy doing it by myself?

No one understands me though. I feel like this will ruin every relationship I'll have in the next few years until I've had phallo. I've had people tell me to get with someone who is asexual, but that's not going to work as I really want to experience this kind of intimacy after I've had surgery. Yet how am I supposed to find someone who's fine with waiting 4 years or more to have sex with me? That's never going to happen. Am I doomed to stay single until I have fully transitioned?

Not having the right genitals is something I struggle with greatly. I want to be able to have One Night Stands. I want to be intimate with the person I love. I can't even fantasize about it without reminding myself that it's not gonna happen in at least the next 5 years the way I'd want it to. I really don't know how to cope with this. I wish I was asexual and wouldn't want to experience this. It makes my dysphoria so much worse. I just want to be able to have sex like everyone else.

I can't talk about it in group therapy either as the majority of the trans guys there shit on bottom surgery the last time it was talked about. I feel so alone in this. Any kind of advice is appreciated.