bittersweet

this is gonna be long

here it comes:

a few years ago i graduated from art academy, and i had this teacher/mentor, i really had a good connection with, just a natural one, he is 20 years older than me, and im just mentioning this, because it refers to the synchronicity, anyways i truly appreciate(d) him, it made me said that when i graduated i wouldnt probably see him again, and since im a “girl/woman”, i didnt want to be the one staying in touch, i didnt want to make things awkward, maybe this connection didnt mean a thing after all, but once in a while i would text him, well three years later, when asked him how are you, he was super open, and that things basically were really tough in his personal life, thats why he never stayed in touch, he offered to drink a coffee, that he was around the city where i live more often, so i was super excited cause i missed him a lot, and i hoped one day we could be friends instead of a teacher student dynamic, i started having dreams about that, and i trusted my intuition, that this connection def is real, its like i dont want to sound delusional, but i love him unconditionally that never happened to me, like i didnt even needed a reason anymore to love him, but again, i am a grounded person, and never took this too far to the point that i had expectations, i just enjoyed these positive feelings, but than, the coffee never happened, and i felt dissapointed, cause when i asked him, i kinda feel like you didnt mean it when you mentioned coffee and he was like, just because im busy and far away and cant find the time, im a liar or something? and i was surprised, so i expressed how i felt, and than he understood and was like soon we will drink coffee i was ow-key??, in my mind. long story a little shorter, months went by, but he kept staying in touch, and when i asked him wether is appropriate if i whatsapp him, he said i will tell u if i dont like it, you can always contact me, than i had dreams that we became friends and close friends, and he started texting me more, magical synchronicities started to happen between us, it was so amazing, i thought of gifting him something, he lets me know he made that exact thing i wanted to gift him! (art piece), i had the same in mind. than we had a super beautyful intimate moment, by that i mean, like a deep convo, and than he started not to talk to me anymore. and when i asked if anythings is wrong he wss like im just busy. whatever things went downhill, and the coffee never happened, and at some point i think it had to happen, we had an argument on whatsapp, which i still cant make sense about, he typed super weird, as if he wanted to make sure, that he never crossed the line with me, and i became angry and told him, why are you suddenly talking so formal, we are all human, whats up withh this attitude, and he said youre not an equal to me, our dynamic isnt like that you cant ask me anything, so i was like so you decide everything in this dynamic, he said do you mean that i crossed your boundaries? i was like no, it was sooo weird you guys

im not that type of a person, so i was like im not gonna beg for this person to respect me as an equal, i told him im sorry but i dont need to be your student forever i want to be treated like an equal, and he never replied back, after a while i once asked him, so is that it, youre just gonna ignore me, he says im busy, one day ill answer

yo he meant so much to me, and i jusst respect myself more than this, so i was like, i will never contact you again (obviously there is a whole lot more to this), but nah im not gonna force someones attention, he acted annoyed a lot, for me wanting to talk to him, and it wasnt even that often, but friendship should be fun, and plus he made it clear he doesnt want anythin to do with me but than when its convenient to him he comes to me, and he says stuff like youre pure and smart, i know i am, but than he pours his heart, and says stuff like you can say anything to me, and when i do he says youre out of proportion.

(ps: will anyone read till this far hahahh)

anyways i dont wanna define it as i was in love with him, cause i will love him forever, thats not the point, anyways, our contact broke, i found healthier to end this connection, it was already ended, i tried to keep it alive, just because of the dreams and inner guidance, well i dont know why, but i broke down, after i changed my number and deleted his, so i could literally not change my mind, than i started to see more and more synchronicity his name everywhere, bla bla, its like universe calls me yells at me, and mind you i am a detached person, i never hold on to stuff, but i used missing him, and the hurt, feeling rejected, it felt like universe was bullying me ripping my heart, making me desire a cake and letting me smell it, but im not allowed to eat it or im hyped up for a party ending up not being invited. all these things i used as a catalyst for spiritual growth, awakening true unconditional love, than later i found these tapes, i was always on this journey, i started feeling his energy again, missing him, also angry whatever so i did release and recharge as it came up yesterday, the day before i had a dream where i see him and i became lucid, and i was like shit did he see me too, and he comes after me, as i run away, cause i dont want to interact with him somehow, he pulls my arm, and the most loving glance, as if he was not a human, i was to so how do you say that amazed by it, and than he says its gonna be ok, come, let go of the resistance, and he pulls me to his chesst i could smell him, his touch felt like so nice and warm, it was like i have no words to describe the love i felt, and we became one, thats how it felt, when i woke up i felt so sad like a whole in my heart, this sounds too dramatic even for me, so dont judge i just allow my emotions,

i still wasnt thinking this means somethhing about us, i focus on my own energy, so i did the release and recharge, for that hole i felt

well today im inspired to go to this coffeeshop order a coffee and find an old paper, i read an article about a woman who in her 20s like me, had an art teacher who she felt an amazing connection with, and became after school best friends with him, and she basically at ther 40 now celebrating that friendship, appreciating him at his 70 birthday, they became friends on his 50th birthday, as in he invited her to his birthday and started to treat her as an equal , she basically has the connection what i wanted, my teacher is 50 now. there were so many details it felt like she was describing what i envisioned or received from my higher self in regards to my teacher but it never happened somehow

i dont understand why this article happened to find me today, im still gonna release cause i dont feel bad, but a bittersweet feeling, im good i dont need to force a friendship, i accept that my higher self has a plan for me and loves me, and im gonna release more tonight, i dont want to feel bad about this at all anymore maybe this happened because the universe is showing me what i need to release still, since it still felt bittersweet. i dont see it as o, we re gonna reconnect cause thats probably not in the picture i rather want to grow spiritually.

i just wanted to spill my heart out

might delete it later