GRS was canceled, I feel awful but also slightly relieved

I got cold feet. As I got closer to the date of my surgery, which was scheduled for yesterday, something just felt off. There was a growing sense of trepidation and by yesterday morning I was throwing up from nerves. After it wouldn't stop my fiance called the hospital who canceled the surgery.

I've been an emotional wreck since, it was devastating. At the same time however, I think this might have been the best outcome since I no longer think this is what I want. A vaginoplasty is a complicated surgical procedure with a variety of outcomes and as someone who's never had serious surgery before it just scares the living shit out of me. Idk everything that's happened so far in my transition has come from my own body, I've grown my D cups, my body is naturally fem and has only been accentuated by hormones.

My fiance and I have also had some amazing sex as of late and I actually kind of don't mind my gock. I'm beginning to think an orchi would be more than enough for me. I'm still sobbing because my dream of trying on wedding dresses without having to tuck has been eviscerated. I'm a master tucker so I'm not sure it matters.

I just don't know how to feel about all this. I want to be clear that I in no way regret my transition. Just bottom surgery in particular just doesn't feel like the right course of action. My fiance has been amazing, comforting me through this difficult time. Idk, I'm just so, so sad, and yet this feels like I dodged a bullet. I might consider it in a world where the right surgical outcome could be guaranteed, but uncertainty is just a hard pill to swallow.