I, an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital, befriended the secretary there. She has BPD. And now I’m in shambles.

This whole situation feels fucked up. I’m really drunk now trying to cope with the whole thing so I’m sorry if this is messy. When I walked into that place I told the secretary there I had tried to kill myself bc of the struggles I’ve had as an autistic person. She confided in me that she was autistic too, and I immediately felt better talking to someone who gets it. We got along quite well, so after I was discharged I told her to contact me. She was hesitant bc it was illegal, but she was quitting in a week to go teach at our states university so it all worked out. A week in, she told me she had BPD on top of being autistic. The only person I have ever dated had BPD, and it was awful. I immediately wanted to drop them, but I felt like this time would be different. After all.. it was just as friends so no harm could come to me if I didn’t get attached, right? We spoke for six months. In that time, there were red flags. Trauma dumping, talk of sexual experiences for no reason other than to talk about it, asking “what’s your deepest darkest secret, I’ve already read your file so what else do I really need”. All the fucking flags were there, but I still thought this person was my friend. They definitely did a good job of being there when it was necessary. Told me “I see myself in you”, as in suicidal. Really made me feel like we were the same. But then she became cold for no reason. Off and on. I just told myself that’s BPD and to be expected, I can still be a good friend. Things will be different this time. After a while, I became attached to this person in one way or another. In hindsight, when they were kind to me it genuinely seems like it was with good intentions, bc w are quite similar really. But one day she started leaving me on read. I became hyper vigilant bc of this sub, so i started to see things worth noticing, and eventually one day after she was being cold towards me I blocked her on Snapchat. I told myself that if she were really my friend and if she were one of the few good ones with BPD , she would reach out after the fact and prove it. Bc that’s what I should have done with my ex wBPD. But I remembered all the nice things she said, and I regretted doing it. I messaged her number saying sorry and I got no response. I readded her on Snapchat and got no add back. I kept telling myself that I made a mistake bc why else would have related to me so well if it wasn’t real? Our friendship felt real. It felt like I finally had someone who understood me.. and yet if she really had understood me she’d have understood that I did what I did bc if my past experience with BPD. I thought that considering the circumstances in which we met, surely she would t just drop me over it, and would instead understand why I did it, and prove to me she was one of the good ones. I mean I had told her I was suicidal again several times and she was always there, so surely she wouldn’t understood right? I pulled a weakling move and spam messaged her wondering why it was so easy for her to just drop me, even though deep down I understood why. Now I’m falling apart bc that was the closest I’ve ever had to a friend who gets it, and it wasn’t real. Now I feel so alone and the one person I’d talk to that about is the person who caused it.