The Edition 65 Republican Primary - United States

Welcome. Today, we are hosting the final debate for the Republican nominee for the President of the United States. There will be only one question asked - which song do you think represents you? Unfortunately, every single answer by a candidate is over the view limit, so I have had to find substitutes. (Seriously, this is real.)

#DOUG BURGUM ^Watch ^this ^video ^to ^see ^just ^how ^much ^other ^candidates ^have ^mirrored ^Burgum’s ^messaging: ^https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8sOeNtGHLU ^- ^Doug ^Burgum, ^actively ^dropping ^out ^of ^the ^primary, ^2023

Doug Burgum, the current governor of North Dakota, ruptured his achilles right before the first debate playing pickup basketball. Despite not taking the Politico poll for his favorite songs, he has talked about his music taste. "On the campaign trail, he’s jamming to Australian-American country singer Keith Urban, known for hits such as “Somebody Like You" and "Making Memories of Us."". Unfortunately, Keith Urban sucks, and both of those songs are over the view limit, so his real entry is So You Are Tired, by Sufjan Stevens.

#CHRIS CHRISTIE ^I ^wanna ^look ^in ^that ^camera ^right ^now ^and ^tell ^you, ^Donald, ^I ^know ^you're ^watching ^- ^you ^can't ^help ^yourself. ^I ^know ^you're ^watching, ^okay? ^And ^you're ^not ^here ^tonight, ^and ^not ^because ^of ^polls, ^and ^not ^because ^of ^your ^indictment, ^but ^because ^you're ^afraid ^of ^being ^on ^this ^stage ^and ^defending ^your ^record. ^You're ^ducking ^these ^things. ^And ^let ^me ^tell ^you ^what's ^gonna ^happen. ^You ^keep ^doing ^that, ^nobody ^up ^here's ^gonna ^call ^you ^Donald ^Trump ^any ^more, ^we're ^gonna ^call ^you ^Donald ^Duck. ^- ^Chris ^Christie, ^2023*

America's whipping boy. Every Republican's least favorite large adult son. Remember the time he closed down a beach just for his family? Remember when he closed a bridge out of spite against someone, and it killed a 91 year old? Chris Christie has been publically humiliated approximately ten million times in the last decade, but he won't go away, even through being viciously, hilariously dunked on by 45. If nothing else, the court jester of American politics has solid taste in music. His playlist includes Bruce Springsteen, The Killers, Talking Heads, and 17 other artists who have more than 20 million views on their songs. Luckily, there is an incredibly easy entry for him. Chris Christie's official entry is A More Perfect Union, by Titus Andronicus.

#RON DESANTIS ^We ^fight ^the ^woke ^in ^the ^schools. ^We ^fight ^the ^woke ^in ^the ^legislature. ^We ^fight ^the ^woke ^in ^the ^corporations.”“We ^will ^never ^ever ^surrender ^to ^the ^woke ^mob. ^Florida ^is ^where ^woke ^goes ^to ^die. - ^Ron ^DeSantis, ^2023*

Ron DeSantis is the most normal man alive. He wears giant, high heeled boots everywhere he goes, seemingly to make him seem taller. He is physically incapable of smiling. He cannot say a sentence that makes sense - the quote above is illustrative of his "policy arguments", but it's only one of a long list of bizarre statements - my personal favorite being, about Anthony Fauci, “Someone needs to grab that little elf and chuck him across the Potomac.” As far as I can tell, Ron DeSantis does not listen to human music, so I'll improvise here. Ron Desantis' entry is (warning - flashing lights throughout) Ponyboy by SOPHIE.

(As an aside here - DeSantis is emblematic of the incredibly homophobic and transphobic politics that have completely taken over Republican brains lately. You get the transgender icon, Ron. Fuck you.)

#NIKKI HALEY ^What ^do ^you ^want ^me ^to ^say ^about ^slavery? ^- ^Nikki ^Haley, ^talking ^about ^the ^American ^Civil ^War, ^2023

If the Republican party was sane, Nikki Haley would already be the nominee. She's only somewhat insane on every possible policy (ignore her recently saying "mental health" is a cancer, please"), and generally can speak in coherent sentences with a modicum of charisma, which is surprisingly rare. Her music taste is also pretty good, being the only primary candidate to include an RSC entry (Jolene, Dolly Parton) - however, her me-assigned entry will be Everything is Embarrassing by Sky Ferreira.

#MIKE PENCE ^Outstanding ^afternoon. ^"I've ^often ^said ^there's ^nothing ^better ^for ^the ^inside ^of ^a ^man ^than ^the ^outside ^of ^a ^horse." ^-Pres. ^Reagan - ^Mike ^Pence, ^2017^*

Did you know that Mike Pence will never eat alone with a woman who isn't his wife? Possibly the most pathetic man in the Republican primary, Pence is still stubbornly allied to the man who tried to kill him in a coup attempt, verifiably calls his wife "Mother", and is probably best remembered in the eyes of the world for having a fly land on his head once. As a tribute to his born-again Christianity, his entry will be halo, by adore.

#VIVEK RAMASWAMY

^I ^started ^laughing ^at ^the ^locals ^- ^underscores ^feat. ^gabby ^start, ^Locals

I don't have a quote for Vivek. Instead, here's a video of him rapping Lose Yourself. Enjoy it. He does this very regularly, by the way. A tech billionaire with the type of smarmy, irritating anticharisma from the worst guy you knew in school, Vivek ran a strong start, only to completely fall apart due to the fact that nobody seems to like him except the damnable Boer Elon Musk. In tribute to his love of the genre, his entry will be porcelain slightly by Lil Ugly Mane.

#DONALD TRUMP

^"@YoungBasedGod_g: ^@realDonaldTrump ^your ^dad ^gives ^good ^brain?? ^Damn" ^It's ^called ^genes! ^- ^Donald ^Trump, ^45th ^President ^of ^the ^United ^States, ^2013*

I don't think Donald Trump needs a description, or introduction. Donald Trump is very obviously the frontrunner, and as such, it would be wrong to not pick a frontrunner. Donald Trump's entry is I Know the End, by Phoebe Bridgers.

Now, for ease of voting, here are the entries in a table:

Artist	Song	Link
Sufjan Stevens	So You Are Tired	Here
Titus Andronicus	A More Perfect Union	Here
SOPHIE	Ponyboy	Here
Sky Ferreira	Everything is Embarrassing	Here
adore	halo	Here
Lil Ugly Mane	porcelain slightly	here
Phoebe Bridgers	I Know The End	Here

For convenience, there is also a Youtube playlist, and a Spotify playlist.

It's time to vote! Please send us in your ranking of these candidates, with the following:

12 points for your first choice, 10 for your second and 8 for your third. After that, 6, 4 and 2, then 1 for your last place. Your votes are due for January 21st, at 14:00 GMT. Please message them to the debate moderator (myself) on either Reddit or Discord (chfi). And remember - vote early and vote often!