Does anyone else feel their BPD parent sucks the joy out of them?

I'm LC with my mother we have frequent phonecalls but thats mostly it she lives 5 hours away and cannot drive. One visit per year I've spent a week nearby selling her property. She's basically a recluse no friends , no close family anymore she's alone and I do feel a bit sorry for her. I've been here and I feel the joy just draining out of me even in benign conversations Is it the trauma ? I felt like I was mostly healed. It's just fucked up. I feel sorry for her but also despise her for how she treated me as a child.