Big trigger warning for almost everything you can think of here. I (19F), have recently made myself go through some therapy, after 6 months it just wasn’t helping and decided to try and do some unpacking of stuff from my past myself before I’m ready to try again. I’ve been thinking more and more about my first relationship, and if maybe it’s something I need to address with a therapist.

I was 14 when I met my first boyfriend (16M), and it was rough from the start. It was purely online, so for years I have told myself it can’t have been abusive because it was long distance and only online, but it lasted 2 years and consisted of constant issues and controlling. 

Some context, I have complex childhood PTSD, and I involuntarily age regress to cope when triggered. My ex upon learning this, used to help me when I would regress, until it got creepy. He used to make me call him things like sir and daddy, and do things when I wasn’t fully aware. This was just the tip of the iceberg but the main thing. He knew how to trigger me into regression, and if he did something that made me upset and I tried to talk about it, he would try to make me regress, or threaten to k*ll himself and blame me in the note. 

These messages are an example of just one time I found him commenting on another girl’s instagram and had asked about it, he was cheating and also had a secret Twitter account where he dumped over other girls and I found a post saying ‘I wish my girlfriend looked like this’.
What followed subsequently leaded to me finally getting the courage to end the relationship after this happening multiple times a week for years. He threatened me again and it was very scary since he had my address and frequently sent me things. 

I feel like I was confused during the whole relationship and I can’t tell what I was doing wrong or what he was doing that was actually bad, can someone give any enlightenment? Thank you

Was this abusive?