Sick of myself, need kind words from people who understand

Writing this while at work because I can't stop thinking about it and need to let it out.

Last night, I had a tough call with my boyfriend. It wasn't even a fight, he was just telling he didn't think he'd be able to go on a trip I wanted to plan with him. I had been drinking with a colleague before and when he said that I was just so disappointed and heartbroken I totally lost my shit, cried and spiraled in dark thoughts again. And so I cut again while on the call with him (I went out of frame so he couldn't see what I was doing and I don't think he noticed). I hadn't done it since June and now I feel so disgusted at myself. Worst part is it didn't feel good for one second, I feel so stupid.

It's 11AM now and the nauseating feeling hasn't gone away yet, I just wanna curl up on the ground and disappear. I'm an a 26 yo adult with a job and responsabilities and I still can't seem to quit cutting. At least, the fact I feel bad about it maybe means I did make a little progress since 3 years ago I would just do it every day and not care about the consequences. But it's honestly a horrible feeling, being so disappointed and sick of myself. Plus, I'm pretty sure the scars are gonna be way too noticeable once the cuts heal, which makes me dread summer already.

I texted my boyfriend but he wprobably won't be able to reply for another couple of hours and I don't feel like talking about it to anyone else because none of my close friends know that I still cut and how bad it was to start with. Guess I could just use some comforting words from strangers who get it right now :(