no one knows me

(27 m) My fiancee recently left me. I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly is making me act this way about the breakup and it's because no one ever knew me, but she did. I made it a point to lie (very little) to her, only telling her the lies that were necessary for her to be around the people that were still in my life. She loved me, no one has ever loved me, only the versions of me that I fabricate.

She did not leave because I was lying to her, but because she wasn't in love with me anymore. How could you be in love with someone that has no identity though? She would often tell me she saw sides of me that she really liked when we were with my friends or people I had created facades to be around. This is part of the reason why she left me, I had no solid identity for her to latch onto. She loved me, she really did, she just didn't know how or why or who I really was. I don't even know if she knows that's why she fell out of love with me. I honestly don't even know who the man she loved was. That's why this is so hard, I have no idea who I am because I filled all the cracks that my lies filled with her. Her love. Her laugh. Her hobbies. Her day. Her.

I am very good at what I do and have woven intricate lies, some fantastical, some 'harmless', some for attention, some to impress, some are exaggerations. Whatever the case, no one in my life had been as close to knowing me as she was. Then she left and I spiraled right back into my pattern of deceit, lying to her. That's how I recognized this is the issue, I hated lying to her and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

This is a lonely life, I don't know how else to put it or what the point of this post is. I am just lonely. I have started seeing a counselor and I am trying to be completely honest with them, but it is hard. I am so ashamed of so many things in my life and I don't know where to start picking up the pieces. I don't want to be told that someone understands what I did, I want to disappear. I want to forget. I want to move somewhere that nobody knows me so I can be me.

Is that my weakness though? The ability to recreate myself. It just doesn't seem that there is another option, because I will not reneg on the lies that I’ve told, I simply do not have it in me and will not ever have it in me, I know that for sure.

If you're reading this and you're still young, your lies may not ever collapse, you may enjoy the mental gymnastics. I know I do. You may feel smarter than everyone and you might even get away with it forever, I know I will. But I need you to know that it will be a lonely life. A life where your family, spouse, kids, and best friend in the whole wide world doesn't love you. They will believe that they love you, and they will continue to love you if you tell them the truth, but their love is built on lies.

Love is commitment, especially when it comes to family so they will not stop loving you, but I know what path you're on. This path is lonely and sad and will lead to nothing but heartbreak because the self needs to emerge at some point. I don't know when my will, it may kill me trying to come out.