I do not want to go to the memorial

My father sent me a text saying he loves me and it’s his prayer that I attend the memorial.

I was having such a nice day and it gave me a panic attack. My pulse was high for 3 hours, my legs and arms were weak and I was on a hike on a steep hill and was unsteady walking bc I was shaky. (And I’ve been saying on this sub I’m ready to tell them, funny how it changes when you’re confronted with it)

I’m in my 50’s. I know it’s not normal. I think my only way out is to say no. I’ve been anxious already bc I have to drive him to an appointment this week and I was nervous already to be alone with him for an hour or so of travel time, thinking he will bring up jw things.

I was thinking of replying to his text with “I love you too, I’ll think about it” and when I’m bringing him to his appointment I’ll say “I thought about it and I’m not comfortable going”

If he asks me why I will try the “don’t want to talk about it, I’m just not going to go”. But, a part of me knows that means future panic attacks and perfect days being ruined by a text or phone call. It means hiding my life and living in fear of being caught.

Idk if it’s worth it anymore. I love my family, but since we’ve faded have very limited contact. It will never be the same unless they leave the cult.

A part of me wants to say “I can’t go dad, I don’t believe it and it feels wrong for me to be there.”

If he asks why and I think he will. I’ll say my biggest 3 reasons. There were humans on earth 300,000 years before Adam. There is no geological proof of the flood, and proof it didn’t happen like the 40 million year old glaciers. And the last one is CSA. When the Catholics were going through their CSA scandal I told my dad “I’m glad it’s not us, if it was us I’d know it wasn’t the truth”. I’ll remind him of that.

Idk what help I’m asking for. Sometimes it just helps to hear other people’s thoughts. Whether it is encouragement to speak my truth and be free, or encouragement to play it cool and maybe even say that I’ll zoom if that’s an option. I guess I’m at a cross road and it’s giving me anxiety.