Source
r/SuicideWatch•
back2reddit

I just don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm so tired and sore. I'm so sick of having every thought and memory hurt, every person I'm close to fade away, every dream not pan out, every task seem like such a monumental undertaking.

I've been depressed since November now, and I've been dealing with at least one moderate-to-severe cycle of depression a year for the last decade. I've seen several therapists and several psychologists, and tried several kinds of psychiatric medication. It's not really helping.

The psychiatrist told me the last time I saw her that I will probably have to deal with depression for the rest of my life. But this is no kind of life worth living. I'm going to turn 24 in a few weeks, and I still rely on my mom and dad to feed and house and clothe me. If it weren't for them, I would have killed myself a long time ago. It's humiliating, though, to see my former friends graduating and getting jobs and getting married and having kids, while I can barely get out of bed, shower, and dress myself.

When I'm not depressed, I do ok. If I were never depressed again, sure, I would be pretty far behind my peers, but I could patch things together ok. But what's the point in going on if I'm just going to have another episode in a six months or a year?

I simply don't want to keep going. My therapist tells me that I have to make more effort, because nobody else can get me better, but the truth is, I don't want to get better. I only go to the therapist's office because my mom wants me to, and I don't want my mom to be mad at me. I used to want to get better, but not anymore. I'm just tired. I want to be done.

I know it would hurt my family terribly if I died, and my mom said she would be incredibly mad at me. I'm so sorry for that. I don't want any of that. But I just can't imagine trudging through sixty more years of this.

Posted Apr 3, 2013, 4:31 AM UTC

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ExtremeReadit•

What worked for me, because I was in a similar place that you are in now, was looking for some happiness and positives in my life. If I couldn't find any I would look harder. They are there just look for them. I found the more I focused on the negatives the more these negatives seemed to stand out. Sorry if this doesn't help in any way I just wanted to share my experience with you. Good luck and hugs

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back2redditOP•

Thank you :)

You're right, the negatives do seem to stand out more and more the more I look at them. Which I guess isn't a very eloquent way of phrasing things, but I hope that looking for a few good things... or hell, even one good thing... will start to unstick all of that negative stuff.

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allisonechinoderm•

Depression isn't something that just goes away, but you can learn how to live with it, you can learn tools that will help you hang on when it comes and that will make it easier for you to manage. Don't give up on therapy yet, if you're really determined to change there are lots of things for you to learn that can make it a little bit easier. It's never going to be easy to get to where you want to be, and it's going to take a lot of hard work, but you don't have to feel this way for the rest of your life. If there's something inside you saying you don't want to get better, you don't deserve to get better, you need to hang on to this, maybe there's a reason. Maybe something about the depression is working for you, or you're comfortable with it because it's what you know and you don't really know how to be happy yet. You should talk to your therapist about it, because before you can get better you have to really want it. Dealing with depression is really hard, and the fact that you're still going shows a lot of courage and strength. Draw on that, and keep pressing on. I hope you can get through this to the other side.

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