What is wrong with me

I am sitting here at the gym having a mental breakdown. I am 18 and male, I have never come to terms with a lot of things. I am not suicidal, I just don’t know why I can be happy with myself. My dad has never been good to me, he used to do this thing where when I would do something he deemed bad, he would stop talking to me for days or even months. He would say he was mad at me, and now I am scared everyone hates me and is mad at me but won’t tell me. He also used to hit me a lot. I also have blocked a lot of this out and so it is fuzzy, but he would hold me down and tickle me, and touch my thighs, and ass. Never in my dick, just above clothes.

I have a girlfriend and we were fine for a while, until one time she broke up with me, and then got back together. The way she did it reminded of my dad, not her fault as I never told like I have now, but it has brought a lot back. I had issues with bullying a lot and have gotten into fights, and I can’t process anything. I don’t know why I am so unhappy, I have worked hard, I have a 3.85 gpa, and am going to my dream school with my best friend as my roommate. My girlfriend is going to another school 9 hours away but says she wants to try long distance, which is one of the main reasons we had the fight. But I am so scared all the time, I can’t go through my day with out thinking she hates me, or that best friend hates me. I don’t what to fucking do. My mom is therapist, and she has talked to me, and she says I need therapy, but she doesn’t think it would help because I wouldn’t actually do the steps. I tried CBT and it has helped a little, but it is a majority about my gf secretly hating me.