TIFU: Running late to an important interview, shit my pants before an important interview

So I'm getting changed into a nice formal shirt and tie for this interview when I realize that I'm running WAY behind. I planned on leaving my apartment at 1:30 for the interview that was going to start at 2. It was 1:40. It's a 15 minute drive to the location. Fuck me, right?

My tie is put together half-assly, and I can't find my black dress shoes, so I'm scrambling in my apartment to find them when I remember that they were still in my car from an event earlier in the week. I look at my phone. 1:42. I have 18 minutes to get to get to an interview for a job that's going to increase my pay by ~20%. How the fuck did I let this happen?

I go to my car and put on the shoes. Don't have time to tie them. I'm running late. I just start the car and fly out of my complex. 1:43ish.

I'm beyond stressed now. I'm sweating. Panicking. Every stoplight I encounter is brief moment of cursing and pounding of the steering wheel. My stomach is feeling unsettled because of my frustration. I make it to the highway. And fly!

I remember looking at my phone. 1:52. I was actually making good time now. Things were looking better. I, of course, still had to tie my shoes and fix my tie, but I could do that quickly. Maybe in a minute. I was a few minutes from the location.

I got stopped at the last stoplight before my destination. I was stopped for a two minutes. 120 fucking seconds. At a stoplight. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

1:55. I see the parking lot of my destination. I'm full of relief. Stress still at max levels. I get close to a parking spot. My stomach is telling me to fart. I have to fart. Don't need to feel uncomfortable, don't no stinky gas in the middle of the interview, right? I try to fart, pushing with all my stressed-out, frantic energy. Hnnn...I feel....wetness. "I. Just. Shit. My pants." I said this out loud. "I just shit my fucking pants. I fucking just shit my pants." Pull into the parking space. Looked at my phone. 1:56.

Turn off the car. I'm so fucked now. Unbuckled my pants. Untucked my shirt. Put my hands in my ass crack. "Liquid brown" was its name. Smells like raw sewage. I take a receipt that's in my e-brake compartment. People are walking by my car. No fucks given at this point. Wipe my ass with the receipt. Receipt is destroyed. Does hardly anything. I find a plain white shirt in my back seat. No fucks given at this point. Wipe my ass with the shirt. (BEST WIPE FEELING EVER). Looks like mutated zebra. Wiped for what felt like forever. Done. Shirt is no longer wearable. Throw shirt aside.

Pull pants up. Tuck in shirt. Buckle belt. Tie laces. Fix tie. Look at my phone. 1:59. My finger smells horrible. Can't shake hands with shit on my finger. Decide to spit on my finger. Dry it off on my pants. Smells...pleasantly unpleasant. Walk faster than I've ever walked before. Made it inside.

2:01. I ended up waiting on them! Interview goes...well. Felt shit crusting on my ass cheeks during interview. Interviewer asks me at the end, "So, any questions you have?" Trying to sound confident, I reply, "When do I start?" Guy looks at me. "Oooooo....well, you see...blah blah hiring process." Not the smartest thing I've said in an interview. "We'll call you back if we need you," he says. FUCK. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

TIFU