Hello Reddit. So I heard you like poetry...

Today I was going through old notes on my phone and found a few pieces of poetry from just over a year ago. This was before I had been diagnosed with a type of autism known as Asperger's Syndrom, an ASD (or HFA if you want to call it that. Look up the terms if you'd wish).

I don't know what was wrong with me, I only knew I was very depressed and suicidal. I didn't write many poems during this time because they were always very dark and jumbled.

I'm a bad decision,
I knew from the start.
So oft I ask myself:
when can I depart?

Been dumped in this hell,
With no way to tell
Is any of this for real?
I try not to show,
Does anyone know,
How it is I truly feel?

I just let things slide
Make everything hide
The outside is "Mr. Great."
Everything within
Barely staying hidden
How long will it be this way?

When will I leave this world?
When will I wake up?
It seems so strange to me;
Like everything's just a bluff.

The bright flashes of light,
Or the dark shadows
Things I hear in my mind,
That nobody knows.

Life creates these voices,
Locks them inside my head
Why can I not just have
Silence there instead?

So disturbing here,
End is never near
Silence, will there ever be?
But when my time comes,
Everything is done;
At last, I will then have peace.

But until the end,
I just ask you, "When?"
My heart is filled with strife.
I'll say this 'til my death
Until final breath...
Fuck. My. Life.
x_x
R.I.P.
02.23.12

I wrote this poem the day before I planned to finish my life.
I had wrapped up all my big projects at the time,
just been told I had one month before I was getting kicked out for being gay
(dad wanted to kick me out immediately but mom talked to him and managed to earn me some time).

Yet, for some reason, I didn't kill myself. It was a struggle but I made it through
that day, and the next, and the next. And here I am today, cleaning up old stuff
on my phone... since I've been diagnosed I've learned how to deal with things
better. I still struggle every day, and there is very little awareness for Asperger's.
I rarely smile, except when I'm lacking sleep (everything's funny at 5AM, right?).

Today I saw that poem, though, and realized.

It's been over a year. And I'm still here.

I feel like a survivor, and for the first time in too long, I genuinely smiled to, and for, myself.

Tl;dr: go back and read it. Please. (image version with color here: http://imgur.com/gallery/mdw3p )