Should Never, NEVER, have asked.

I used to have this really great friend named Melanie whom I did pretty much everything with. She and I would hang out probably five nights out of the week, and since we did track at the time we hung out a lot. Despite her being of normal size and weight (makes me sorry we friend-zoned each other) along with one of her brothers, it's weird that her parents and her other brother were pretty large. Her dad though, sweet jesus. I loved the guy, but he had some fucked up mentality behind his weight. Because he was so large, he also had some medical problems that followed, obviously. However, this one stuck out at me the most.

be me, 16 and trying to love life

at friend's house, using the facilities

notice a bottle on the counter of "Witch Hazel Oil"

wtf.jpg what a curious name

must be from the mountains of Griffendor or some shit

finish up, go downstairs and into kitchen with her parents

Melanie, what's Witch Hazel Oil?

she doesn't know, and says its for her dad

her dad, overhearing the conversation, chimes in

"it's for my asshole"

say what now?

"yeah, my ass gets chapped from rubbing together so much, so I have to put Witch Hazel Oil on it with some cotton balls to relieve the pain"

MRW he starts going into GRAPHIC detail about how his ass hole leaks, and gets mixed between his raw ass and gets infected

Melanie is crying out of embarrassment

I stand there for a few seconds, not sure whether to nope it the fuck out of there or do something.

take Melanie's hand, go upstairs, start laughing as she wipes away tears

"I'm so sorry you had to hear that"

tell her it's totally fine, and promise her I'm not bothered by it

loljkimsick.avi

tell her I'm pretty much obligated to be her friend now that I know so much about her parents

best friend status: activated

parent's want to take us to Applebee's to eat good in dem neighborhoods

willingly accept

2 for $20? fuck yeah. split dem boneless wings and lay on the steak

dad orders a 2 for $20 himself. HIMSELF.

mildly shocked, mysteriously impressed, slightly grossed out

even more wat.jpg's when he orders a pitcher of soda for himself.

Tons of stories like this. I never really knew whether I liked him or not, because he'd be the nicest guy in the world one day and the next be abusing the hell out of one of the sons or doing things no one understood. Still, he gave me a pretty good few stories to tell