I am alone and can't see a way forward.

I am depressed. I have been depressed for about six months. I cannot function and my work is not being done. I am lazy and slutty and people avod me. I drink too much and have random sex w people I not like. I have a partner who knows some of this but not all. I do not think I will kill myself tonight. I think this is the most likely end to this miserable trudge. I want to escape but I don't want to hurt my parents and partner any more than I already am. I am 30 and act fifteen, I am not very clever and underachieve n every area of my life. I am extremely attention seeking and even my love and my parents are fed up with me because I call them all the time to tell them I am sad. I've been thinking about killing myself every day for about six months.

Yesterday I made a fool of myself and it made me realise a lot of things. It made me realise that I have always been a pretty vile person, there is a good reason why people avoid me, and changing a lifetime of tis behaviour is impossible. I do not appear depressed I just appear like a very obnoxious woman.

All I want is to take care of my partner and make him happy. I am failing in doing this. The house is filthy and I have cheated on him which he forgave me for but really he should leave me. He is a beautiful hmA being and he seems unaware of what a fuck up am.