I'm going crazy in my head... But can't let it out loud.

We found out my grandad was poorly in November (Hospital told us Pneumonia) so they sorted him out and sent him for tests then back home! On Boxing Day he got really ill so we took him to A&E and demanded to chase his results... We were told it was cancer and treatment would commence within a month... He died on 26th January!
Not once did the nurses tell us it was terminal, not once did they hurry his treatment, they were always snotty fucking sluts, my grandad would still be here if NHS did there job right! :( I have realised I'm not a strong person, very weak infact I just put a brave face on! Every second of every day I think of him, become upset but yet I still smile! I don't like boring people with my life, I'd rather leave mine to the side and help them with There's instead which I don't mind at all! IV had to write this to get it of my Chest and let some emotions out! I have only 1 person who I no I can speak to and who would listen and that's my best friend i tell him Everything but I really can't on this occasion as its not fair on him as he lost his grandad a month after I lost mine! So he is going through the same! I just want to cry and let it all out but just lately the feeling to cry Is there but the tears just won't come and then I feel guilty for not being able to cry I know how pathetic that sounds! ARRRRRR why is life so fucked up!