On the edge

I don't know what to write, but I have to write something. I guess i'll just state the story. The first part is What happened over time, The second part is everything now, the smaller details.

Talking to a friend, He said I could get help here. I didn't even have a reddit account before 5 minutes ago. But I needed to take one last step towards hope. The worst that could happen is nothing, right?

I'm done with this, I really am. I tried m hardest not to let people fall. To be the support. To just be there for them. And it's gotten me nothing. Not even a decent friendship. The "friend" who told me to talk here just told me to go here, Then started talking about how good his life is. I can't keep them, Friendships that is. The worst part is I know I do nothing wrong. I don't even talk and people hate me. And it's not like it's rumors or anything. I've moved every year of my life. I'm 19. So you'd think i could just go to my family and have them love me? They caused me to go into a depression. One I just can't get out of. Not having friends made me want to talk to my family more. The more i talked to them, The more they wanted nothing to do with me. My dad took me to therapy when I was 10 because he thought I had problems. I didn't talk to the therapist. I didn't know how to talk to people that weren't part of my family, so I didn't talk to him. I literally remained silent up until the last session when I said goodbye. The therapist told my family to try using the "Positive and negative attention" Method. This consisted of Them stating whether or not i was seeking positive or negative attention. Because apparently everything I did was just for attention. Everything I did from telling a joke to eating was deemed negative attention. Attention is my main theme, just a forewarning. Not too long after I tried making a life for myself outside my family. Joined the school band, made friends, Started getting out, Smiling more, talking, whatever. Doesn't seem bad eh? What happened to that might you ask? Moving happened. My dad decided he didnt want to live in the city, Sent my brother sister and I on vacation, sold our home and moved us hours away. Whenever I asked to go see my friends. He told me to forget about them and start a new life. My brother took that option away from me. Informing everybody I came into contact with that I was just an attention whore and told them I said shit about them behind their backs, When in reality, I had nobody to say anything to. I made a few alright friends. They were the artsy kids and metal heads of the school. I liked them, Because I could just stand there and listen, And they deemed it perfectly acceptable. Luckily they didn't like my brother because he would talk shit about his brother, their friend. Then I came out. The response I got? They all hugged me. My dad stopped talking to me, My sister outed me to EVERYONE, My brother didn't care, but still hated on me, my mom had moved 3000 miles away from us at this point. I couldn't stay at home anymore. They all treated me terribly. So I moved out when i was 17, once again, leaving everything behind. But this time it was my choice, to better my life. I moved an hour away, Small town, Spent grade 12 with the metal heads and artsy kids again I just fit in so well with them. But this time, they slowly, one by one, started talking behind my back about how i was a lier, How I was dirty, Un-interesting, you name it. Why did they say stuff like this? I lied because I faked sleeping once. I was dirty because I didn't have a washer or dryer to wash my clothes, not that i had many, and had to go to a laundromat a half hour walk away. I was un-interesting because I was always tired, from going to school and working to keep my apartment which alongside living there alone. They just didn't care for me. I transferred to the other school in the town. I made loads of friends. But to go there, I moved again. I'm 18 at this point. I moved in with my uncle. The father basically forced me to. My uncle, turned out to be a lazy, dirty, jobless pothead. I remember one time, I made taco's. I hadn't had them in forever. I was going to wash the dishes after I ate, I just wanted to sit down for a bit before doing them. He got on my back and yelled at me for being lazy. And I needed to be punished. (I'm his roommate, I paid for my own stuff, and rent). He took every piece of garbage and every dirty dish and threw it all on my bad, then got mad because he pulled his back and broke a few dishes. guess who got in trouble for it. I couldn't stay there anymore. So i called up my mom who i hadn't talked to in years, and moved 3000 miles away to live with her, Get a job, Get college funds and have a life. She promised she would help. How does she help? Getting me into drugs, By guilting me to smoke a joint 3 times a day, Deciding I have to pay most the rent and going out partying, leaving me food less and alone, in a city 3000 miles away from anybody I talked to. This entire time, I had to follow the motto "Your problems don't matter, somebody else needs you". It's the only way people would talk to me. If i talked, I either wanted pity or Attention. Would you think i'm sad right now? I'm not. I'm hurt, and ready to murder. I'm willing to go to jail to bring people down to the level I'm at. I'm losing myself to This world which I can't even decifer, And i'm on the edge of losing the last string that holds me together, and keeps everybody including myself safe.

The conversation that brought me here: Me: I'm done being used and walked over brah Im not planning on doing good for anybody

Friend: Dude

Me: people will either get a neutral or negative response.

Friend: Don't be like that, you and I both know that will only make you feel worse

Me: I'll get worse. want to die. talk to you. not do it. forget about it the next tay. day*. Well. ill talk to somebody. the only difference from every other time. Im taking fucking control of them this time. I'm not the one who's getting hurt..

Friend: I've been doing something similar. Caring less about people to try and make me feel better. It's not a good idea.

Me: I'm not going to make myself feel better. I'm not going for that. I just plan on taking the ones who deserve it down to my feels. I've tried. so hard. to help people to not feel how i feel everyday. I never wanted people to feel like this. Look where it fucking got me.

Friend: I don't know many people who feel like you do. What do you mean?

Me: I live day by day trying to figure out if life is real. My schizophraenia. you know this. Schizophrenia*. Ontop of that. dealing with the daily hostilities everybody deals with. And having like, 1 friend (you) who knows how shitty my mind actually is. the I dont even know how many suicide attempts. The amount people walk over me. The carelessness people have about me. I know everybody an't please everybody. But people just hate me. for no fucking reason.

Friend: Andrew

Me: I'm not done.

Friend: Do you want my advice?

Me: I have never had the feels of a real friend. why? Because i moved every year of my life. I was never able to keep friends. I tried making a life for myself in Ottawa. that was taken away from me. I've been alone literally my entire life. And my family tries being there for me. but always puts themself first. Which leads to what i found out is depression the other week. I also found out (realized) I create a world around me, Cause i can't bare the world the way it is. Which brings johnny into the picture. my imaginary bunny friend. I needed a friend so bad, somebody who would look out for me and like me for me. That My mind created one for me. He's real to me. But nobody else. Which makes me feel so alienated. My one true friend. deosn't even exist. Wanna know the best part? My family. ALL my life i've just been the attention whore of the kids. My dad has taken me to therapists psychologists, doctors, Everything. One day. He just gave up. I finally started getting better. We were finding out what was worng with me both mentally and phyically. And he just dropped it one day, And would never talk about it. He gave up on me. Alicia gave up on me. Told me to stop pitying myself. Sarah doesn't talk to me when i'm sad. My mom is fucking stoned all the time. or drunk. or both. My aunts and uncles don't care about the kids. All the kids know this. Last time i saw them. I got slapped. why? I still don't know. I was in the house for less than 5 minutes. Just got up the stairs. And got slapped. Add in the factor that i'm gay. Instantly hated by a portion of society. To the point where i've gotten death threats. I had somebody put a lit lighter to my face and tell me that if i talked or. moved they would burn me. That was in a stairwell at school. Not st J. The school before that. the school i lost my life for. I move out here to try starting a new life. Get college funds. Go for Criminal Psychology then police foundations. Nope. "Mother" decides she doesn't want to pay the entire rent. And now here i am. The only good things going for me are i'm building 2 friendships. You and brandan. Brandan and I have clashing schedules with work and wont see eachother very much anymore. I moved 3500 kilometres away from you to get to where i am. Im jsut a complete fuck up and I'm done letting people walk all fucking over it. I'm at the point where I'M PREPARED TO HURT PEOPEL EOUGH i END UP IN JAIL. ignore the caps there.

Friend: Can I respond?

Me: Yeah. I'm done.

Friend: Three things

Me: I'm reading

Friend:

1. I'm going to need to go for a few minutes, got to call the housing guy
2. Please talk to Sarah and Alicia and all of your other friends about how you feel. They might not know. And don't try and convince yourself they don't care, they do
3. http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/ post your story here. They're good at helping people

I'm sorry for being a bore.