Tiptoeing thru a situation

There's really no way to keep this short. I was raised in a split family. Mother baptized over 50 years, now anointed, father was a nuclear engineer who closed his eyes to let her be happy, but never participated. She left him and my two brothers behind when I was 13 hoping for a perfect witness husband. He never showed up. She and I went from upper middle class to poverty. I was not considered good association as a teen cause i was now from a single parent family. Mom has lived daily expecting imminent doom so her nerves are shot. She's 75 with nothing and I get to look after her. Dad passed away leaving several million to my stepmother!

I was baptized on a desire to belong at 15, faded, married, divorced with a child by 23. Managed to finish college. Met my current husband on an impulsive trip thru the KH. I think i drug him kicking and screaming to open mindedness, but he was a bit of a rebel anyway. He had a son too, then we had our girls. We moved out of state and faded together and it's been a long road of deprogramming since. Our kids are normal though!

His family are ALL witnesses; elders etc. huge reputation and they have always scared me a bit and made minimal effort to be family to me when we needed it.

Anyway... Husband's mom, who he adored, passed away this week out of state. We traveled to be with her at the end and found ourselves in a condo with his elder brothers and the wives. --Soooo stressful!-- Was afraid I'd say the wrong thing. My stomach has been raw and upset for a week, the conversations are odd:"Did u know the origin of 'dog gone it?' We can't say that!" How bout "duffus"? We can't say that! (Seriously???). About catholic prayer beads "They just blindly follow rules...". I'm dying inside...

I could go on, from the mundane to the disfellowshipping/shunning of their beloved children. No ability to say "you screwed up, we love you, let's get through this". Saw the pain in my SIL's eyes over shunning her daughter probably in submission to her elder husband who must do the right thing because of "the family name, reputation". (Daughter and grandkids are not invited on family vacation. Must. Follow. Rules.)

I have ADD and have to be careful to not accidentally blurt in conversation; birthday, holiday, field service, paradise, memorial attendance,... Continually deflecting, and it seems so obvious. (Are they unable to notice or they don't want to notice?) A week of pins an needles. Not to mention, his sister (mental problem alert) who cared for mom for years has in the past bashed all her brothers for not helping enough, except us cause we helped. She bashes us for everything else, like the wicked witch from Oz sniffing out apostate. (Yes I did send mom roses (no card) on her last birthday '83!') which is also my wedding anniversary. Mom loved them, sister saw RED. Passive aggressive?

Took a drive yesterday to relax, memorial service atKH today. Elder brother wants to show local congregation how great a JW family they are. ( My husband has a goatee!) Husband is conflicted, I am trying to be supportive. Haven't been in KH for years. I recently found the pattern of witnesses doing things they don't want to do out of guilt and obligation (mom begged me to attend memorial with her so she could show my family off. I said no.) Husband now facing this.

Anyway, I cannot wait to be headed home to my beautiful children, and away from this stress bomb.

Update: Headed home unscathed, (unless this post becomes an issue) they were really kind and the JW service was tolerable. I didn't incur anyone's wrath, and we still consider each other family. I still have some guilt that i led him out of a strong spiritual family. My husband is dealing with his mother's passing and the oddities of family.

I tried to swallow all the stress and just do whatever my husband wished this week because he is dealing with alot of grief and i don't want to add to it. I wrote this to vent my feelings and hopefully not add to his problems. Sorry if it comes across self centered. Also scared to post this.