Something's missing and it really hurts.

Hey Reddit. I didn't even know you existed until a friend of mine kept linking me to funny imgur pictures this year. I don't even know why I'm here, I guess I'm just having a bad day and I guess it is what it is. I'll give you my story and you can say whatever you want. Not like I have shit else to do anyway other than think or wallow in my own sadness.

My name is Lawrence. Well, my middle name anyway. My first name is of Arabic origin and I didn't really grow up with it. Anyway I'm more used to going my by online nickname "Shooter" haha.

I don't know where it all went bad, but it did. Every single day I wish I wasn't conscious and while I have no plans of killing myself, I wish I could. I don't think there's a Heaven or a Hell, just void and emptiness and it'd be a thousand times better than being sad all the time. Nothing is better than a bad thing. Right?

It's so hard to put everything into words.

When I was 12, my parents got a divorce. My dad wasn't evil or a genuinely horrible person he just had a shitty temper and would beat the shit out of his kid whenever he was angry. Mom wasn't, and still isn't, perfect but she was always there and she never hit me. She was also legally retarded and lost all custodial rights to him. You can probably guess what happened next. She ran off with me and kidnapped me. She committed a federal offense by taking me across state borders without authorization and I don't know how long the statue of limitations is for her but it's probably a long time. If she ever gets caught, she's going to prison. For me. All for me.

I didn't have it too bad growing up. We lived with family (aunt, uncle, grandfather) and moved from apartment to apartment with the leases under a friend's name. We had our ups and downs but for the most part it was easy, I wasn't the one who suffered or worried. I grew up basically on the internet, playing video games all day. Mum homeschooled me the best she could but eventually it got to the point where the educational discs she was buying me were just the same things over and over again so I just played Halo or Chromehounds or Call of Duty all day.

So what if I didn't get to go to middle or high school, I made friends. I've known this one specific guy since '07 and I love him to death, so what if he lives states and states away. I met him and his family last year in Cali and we had a blast together, even got to meet one of our other long-time online friends there since he just happened to be in the area for his college baseball. I guess I had the "friends" part covered growing up, the girlfriend thing not so much until last year rolled around and I began an online relationship with this girl from World of Warcraft. She was much older than me, 27 and I was 18. After three months she paid $1100 to come and spend five nights with me. Somehow, I managed to lose my virginity to an actually really cute girl by doing nothing but playing video games all day.

It was my first relationship and I made a lot of mistakes. It was hard because it was online and there were a lot of things I didn't understand seeing as I had no experience and I thought she was being crazy by getting upset when I'd spend time with my friends in Skype instead of her. Looking back, in the long run it probably wouldn't have worked but I was a dumbass. I learned from it. I loved her so much all I wanted to do was lay down and die when after I ended our relationship I tried to come back to her and she was with someone already, and rather cold toward me. Turns out online can hurt just as much as real life. We were together for six months, and I was friends with her for ~2 years. When this first happened I didn't eat for 3 days. All I felt was pain and I can say with almost certainty if I had a loaded gun then I would've put it to the back of my head, aimed for my brain stem, and blown my fucking brains out. Friends meant nothing. Family meant nothing. The only thing I did was spam queue ranked league of legends all day to try and occupy my mind as much as possible. You'd be surprised how little room you have for moping when you're trying so hard to finally break 2100 elo, even if it was only a temporary relief.

I signed up for dating websites like pof or okc and all they did was make it worse. Stuck up, obnoxious women that aren't interested in you unless you're a fucking lawyer or brain surgeon. The worst moments were getting to phonecalls with a girl then after a week or two finding out she didn't want anything to do with me. But I kept trying and eventually I got a FWB with an obese girl with incredibly low self esteem. It helped to keep my mind off of things I guess. I missed my ex each and every day but eventually she started fading, it didn't even really touch me when she posted on facebook or texted me for the first time in months anymore and I just stopped caring.

And then I felt empty. It feels like there's a part of me missing, like I'm completely pointless without a relationship. I don't even want the fwb anymore and I haven't talked to her for a while. A month ago this drop dead gorgeous girl actually messaged me on pof and I went to go see her. For just five hours, I was so happy. We cuddled in her bed and watched movies for five hours in the middle of the night. With a total stranger. I wish I had died right then and there, I would've ended on the happiest note possible.

I don't really think I can provide an in-depth detailed explanation of what happened with her. She's kind of a shallow bitch and I'm clingy and insecure. Apparently, my fucking shoes and jeans are a huge issue to her and I'd be embarrassing to bring around her friends. I swear this fucking woman made me even more insecure than I already was.

Somehow, I end up sitting here doing her homework for her while she's out getting fucking trashed with friends. I'm nothing but kind to her and I get nothing in return. Awesome. I'm not "good enough" for a relationship with her. Fucking joke. I wish I'd never met her. I hate the word "dating". The part where it's not a relationship yet, the part where they're still evaluating in their heads if I'm "good enough" for them.

I don't even care if this woman isn't right for me, I want her to want me anyway. It's better than being alone. We're already past the being together part and she's paying me to finish her homework so she can graduate from charter highschool before she turns 20. I'm attached to a literal idiot. I don't expect her to pay me, I know she's just going to disappear as soon as it's all done but I'm sitting here letting her use me anyway just on the one fucking percent chance I'll get something out of it.

I'm just so tired of being alone. I've realized that the next relationship prospect I get can't see the real me and I have to lie. I have to pretend I have other things going on in my life and I have to pretend that I'm happy or else the same thing will happen over and over again.

I don't do anything anymore. No video games are even worth playing. I got the badge I wanted from League. I quit WoW a long time ago. I just go to my shitty part time job and then come home and fuck off to porn for a while, then I mope. Sometimes, I see Meghan when it's time to drop off her homework and we spend a few hours together but it just makes me angry and hurt on the inside.

I don't even think my problems are real. I've been spoiled through all of the bullshit and my mom gave up her life for me, but it feels like all I want to do is go to sleep. All I am to women is a first impression and a list of hobbies and I'm terrified I'll die alone, or even worse, live alone. I can't fucking believe after everything I've been through in my life after all of the things I've seen that I won't even type here, not having a girlfriend at the age of 20 makes me want to start trembling.

Sometimes it's not so bad, and others I feel like I have a railroad spike being driven through my throat. I feel like the only thing that could complete me and make me a better person is having another half, but I'll NEVER get it unless I can complete myself without it. I don't think I was cut out for this shitty planet and I wish I had never been brought here. If my mom never had me she'd have been better off for it.

It feels like there's something lodged in my throat and someone needs to stab me and cut it out. What's the point of getting a better job and making more money? What's the point of getting my own place if I won't have someone to share it with? All that defines me and makes me, me, is my loneliness. I'm so fucking pathetic for letting this get to me when I don't even have real problems. It's a never ending cycle. I'm blank and awkward and have no personality.