I contemplate suicide daily and worry I'm going to soon have a day bad enough to compel me to act on the thoughts

I'm just going to write a wall of text. I've never really had a chance to express how I feel to anyone else, so I'm going to write it and pretend someone is reading it.

Mid 20s male. I don't have a tragic story to tell, just a slow, steady descent into a deep depression and a crippling sense of loneliness.

I'm very self-conscious about my appearance and have been since puberty. I'm not hideously ugly; I just have certain features that I find incredibly embarrassing and shameful. This has had a debilitating effect on my ability to make friends or have any real relationships outside of family. I was (relatively) fine in middle and high school because your relationships are sort of forced upon you, served up easily in that bubble. There's no work required. My friendships started to fizzle as high school progressed and by the end I was clinging to the one friendship that was easiest to maintain.

Then off to college. I had looked at college as a giant reset button. I was going to lose my hangups, build confidence, and start fresh with some new friends. That didn't happen. To make a long, painful, empty story short, I finished my four years of college without making anything remotely resembling a friend. I was basically a ghost. 15,000 people that I went to school with, and not a single person would recognize my name if you mentioned it to them today.

I continued going through the motions and found a decent job in another city. That was almost three years ago. I hate my job, I have no friends, and somehow have no motivation to find a new one. I have the resume and skills to find a much better job, one that I'd enjoy, but for some reason I just can't do it. Maybe it's the depression (that's what my therapist says). I guess the why doesn't matter. It is what it is.

You'll notice that nowhere in the last few paragraphs are girls mentioned. That really sucks. I desperately want to date, have a girlfriend, have someone to confide in. But I don't, and I never have. I've never fucking held a girl's hand. It makes me feel so pathetic, and I fear that it will never happen.

In the last five or six months my mental state has gotten much, much worse. I've used various distractions (drugs, video games, internet) over the last seven or eight years to avoid confronting my sad reality. I've run out of distractions. Every morning I wake up and go through the motions. I hate it. I fantasize about various ways of ending it. The only reason I haven't gone through with any of them is that I know how much it would destroy my family (especially my mother). I almost resent my them as a result. I'm certain I'd be dead if they didn't exist. It's getting worse. And as I mentioned in the title, I fear I'm approaching a point where that won't stop me.

I could write so much more but I think that's enough. Fuck.