I am finally accepting that my relationship is abusive and I would really love some support and feedback from TwoX. This is a throwaway.

Hi TwoX,

I am posting as a throwaway because my boyfriend knows my account. I normally frequent TwoX very often. I really really would appreciate feedback, opinions, advice, resources, or just validation of my feelings. I most of all would like help accepting that my relationship is abusive, because I know if I don't address this, I'll go back to being in denial.

Today I realized that my relationship is abusive in nature and it is really shaking me to my core. I am 23, and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. I am by no means in a situation as bad as some of the horrific cycles of abuse that some women go through, but I do believe that many things are really not right in my relationship. I have no one in real life that I feel comfortable sharing the gritty details with and truthfully I feel so utterly embarrassed and ashamed to have gotten myself into this mess.

I had previously considered that my relationship could be abusive after the numerous cycles of fights, silent treatments, and extreme demands from my boyfriend. Now, after a complete week of hell from being demeaned, yelled at (at the top of his lungs), hung up on via phone, ignored, and called awful names, I feel all of the love that had been making me stay quickly fading.

Today I googled signs of an abusive relationship and read up online and I realized that on one website that posted warning flags, I was saying yes to most of the questions. I called a national abuse hotline an hour ago because I really needed to talk to someone (finally!) and I told the woman who answered that I think I should/want to break up with my boyfriend, but am scared because I am a lot smaller than him and he has been physically agressive to me before, especially in the past 6 months. She suggested instead of taking action that I hide my feelings and journal, post online, read books, and come to terms with my feelings.

I felt horrible calling because although many of the signs are there, the most tell-tail signs of abuse are not, i.e. like being really beat up or having my life threatened. Talking to the woman made me realize that I've been shoving a lot of bad memories under the rug, only to end up incomplete denial. Until today, I completely forgot about an incident where he did intentionally inflict pain on me (on my face) when I asked him to stop because of the sharp pain. Then I remembered all of those times he called me absolutely stupid, a stupid bitch, or told me I was crazy then when I objected, he told me I deserved to be yelled at and called those names because of how I acted. Or the times that he would refuse to talk/see me if I wasn't wanting to do what he wanted-- i.e. seeing him only when it is convenient for him or focusing 100% on the movies he waned to see or smoking marijuana with him.

Another issue that really complicates things in my mind is that from a couple of months in, we have been discussing marriage and for the majority of our relationship, he would call me by his last name and tell me that I'll end up as his wife/ having his child one day. He also used to ask me to elope with him many times. Sometimes he is the sweetest man in the world, but when he goes into these mood swings that happen every few months and stay for a week to a few months, I don't recognize him.

I feel like I've been trying for the entirety of this relationship to be the person that he wants and it's left me constantly stressed and walking on eggshells. I've been making excuses for him because of his medical condition (behavioral, requiring medication) and attributing his anger to that. I've chalked up extremely violent and destructive behavior as a isolated occurrence (damaging over $1,000 of his own electronics and property out of rage). I've constantly tried to appease him from giving in to demands to helping him with his work, to supporting him financially.

I don't know what I should do, and I am afraid because he is so good at reading my emotions that hiding my feelings while soul-searching feels like this monumentally difficult task. Also, I am afraid of ending it now because what if he goes into a rage and I can't escape the situation or give into trying to placate him?

Any feedback would really be appreciated. THANK YOU so much to anyone who read my post. I feel like such a mess right now and I don't know what the right thing to do in this situation is at all.

I apologize if I left out important details or didn't give enough examples for you all to understand my situation. I didn't want to completely bog down this post with walls of text.

tl;dr: I am realizing my two year relationship is abusive, feel stuck because my boyfriend and I have been together assuming we will get married soon, and wish it were different because half the time he is the sweetest man in the world. Any advice/stories/feedback/resources would greatly be appreciated.

EDIT I really should have mentioned earlier (but I didn't think of it) that we do not live together. I live in a city and he lives in a suburb of my city.

ALSO THANK YOU SO MUCH LADIES FOR YOUR ADVICE, SUPPORT, PERSPECTIVE, and ENCOURAGEMENT. IT IS SO WONDERFUL TO NOT FEEL ALONE RIGHT NOW. I CAN'T THANK EACH OF YOU ENOUGH <3