Heartbreak

I saw this subreddit and worried a little about posting but I need to let this out. I even made a throw away account to write this. I just need someone to hear me out. Could use some comfort. Sorry in advance for jumbled up sentences and paragraphs. Excuse any spelling or grammatical errors. This will be long.

I am 20 years old and I have ever only had one boyfriend in my life. I was homeschooled from 1st to 8th grade and started public school my 9th grade year and got my first boyfriend my senor year. We only dated a little less than 3 weeks. He had said while we were dating I was the first girl who ever cared about him and me and him had a lot in common because we like games, music, technology, and the list goes on.

One thing we had in common…was that we both had thoughts of suicide. Not the best thing to have in common but we related. We weren't alone. We had each other to comfort. When I was feeling down, he made me feel better. When he was feeling down, I'd make him feel better. However at the time, he had feelings for another girl who didn't give two shits about him and he was trying to get over her.

Finally, he wanted to "take a break" and since then we have had our issues but we have still managed to be the best friends we are now.

Now…for over the past two years since this has happened, me and him have been what you could call "friends with benefits" (on and off) as well, because I grew feelings for him even while we were best friends. We kissed…and did things (sorry for TMI.) I was happy just being with him. I didn't feel the need to put the "girlfriend/boyfriend" label on us but that was what it was almost like. I would've done anything for him in a heart beat…I still would. I wrote him poems about how much I loved him. We have gone to so many movies together, discussed them, shared and introduced new music with one another, introduced new foods to one another, talked about history and our thoughts and opinions on all sorts of topics, we've laughed and cried, joke around…we've done so much together. (He introduced me to reedit, hence, why I made a throw away so he won't see this) We talk everyday and it's almost unbearable to not talk to the other. I don't know what I would do without him. We have even tried to stop being friends but we can't. We've tried several times and I honestly cannot tell you how much we have gotten so close. He knows almost every one of my secrets.

(Allow me to point out, I am a virgin. I was going to wait till marriage but I have since decided against this because seeing so many people I know in person and knowing almost everyone across the country get divorced, I became scared of marriage itself and decided I don't want to get married. but I also didn't want to die a virgin. but I am terrified of giving that up as well. Because I feel like it's the only thing I have left. Since I have made this decision, I did want to share it with someone special. I wanted to share it with my best friend…if he would have me. I didn't want to do anything until I was for sure though.)

Just recently however, we went to see Oz and he wouldn't kiss me. I didn't mind but I did want to know why. On the way back home he told me he didn't want to lead me on anymore. (this is actually the second time he's done this to me) When I dropped him off at his home, I asked him "I guess you're not going to kiss me then." Of course, being the jokester he is, in that moment he made me mad by saying something concerning an ongoing joke between him and I and since then when we talk now, I will not respond to it anymore. It hurt me that he felt the need to do that at that point. When he knows full well how I feel for him.

Like I said, we still talk everyday. I have tried to move on and it's just too unbearable this time. I think about killing myself but I can't do that. Not to him. and then I want to run away. but I have a job I'd like to keep and I can't just leave him alone either. He still says I'm his best friend.

I have not gone to any of my friends with this. I can't. This being the second time we've done this, I thought, "I got myself into this, I know from the start of going back into this that I will be the one responsible and If i get dropped, I will break. It is my fault. I did this to myself." But it's unbearable when I don't and can't make myself go to any of my friends for this. They all thought I was stupid for going back. and if they knew what has happened know (they probably have an idea because I've not responded to any messages. In general, I am a very private person and will get mad if someone butts into my business.) they would only say "I told you so." I don't want to hear that. at all. I know I did this. I don't need to be reminded.

I began thinking about why. Why does he decide this all of a sudden? Last time, because he fell for another girl who also treated him like shit, whom he now hates. This time…he just stopped. I don't know his reasoning. I asked and he wouldn't answer (he does better with IMing me these things but I have refused to bring it up due to fear. and I know it bothers him to talk about it.) I don't know how to handle this. and I noticed…even lately he wasn't complimenting me anymore and calling me nice things. and i thought maybe because I was fat to him. Or I became ugly. Or something. On my original account, I posted on r/amiugly and got so many responses. Not all were the kind I was wanting (perverts) and now…I feel like I'm used. just a sex doll of sorts. I mostly got "you're sexy." or "not fat, just chunky, cute face, would bonk though" and things like that.

I just want to know, is there such a thing as a gentleman anymore? Is my best friend only using me for sex, if that's what he wanted? Is there something wrong with me? Am I clingy? What did I do wrong? :\

TL;DR basically I am being friendzoned (again) by my best friend who is also my ex. I feel used and I just want to know why.