[23/m] Screwed up a previous relationship with [21/f] a good friend a long time ago. I'm still having a hard time with it.

A little more than a year ago me and my friend and I were fairly close. We both were dating other people, and the four of us would hangout. I hadn't met anyone like her before, she was very smart and beautiful. If we were both single I would have asked her out. I kept how I felt to myself though, but I didn't want to ruin our relationship. Additionally her boyfriend at the time was a good friend of mine, and I didn't want to loose two friends.

For completely unrelated reasons my relationship with my partner at the time was failing, and eventually I ended it. My friend tried to help us through it. She let my ex stay with her until she could find a place, and she spent a fair amount of time with me to make sure I was ok.

One night I was having a really hard time with the break up. I was really missing my ex and felt really guilty for the break up. My friend came over to pickup a few more of my ex's things. She tried to comfort me and take my mind off it. We talked about it, and other things, common passions, science, art, books, politics, etc. I was upset so I wanted to have a drink. She joined me. It pretty much went all wrong from here.

Eventually we had consumed a 3 coolers, and a bottle of wine. By this point we were sitting in my living room on the sofa. She cuddled up to me and I held her. She told me she was attracted to me, and kissed me. Everything past this point became a disaster.

We had sex. In my drunken haze I had completely given into my feelings. After about an hour she started to realize what we had done. She kept saying "oh no" "we have we done". I stopped but she said no, that we should keep going, have one night of passion, then never see each other again. I wasn't ok with that, so we stopped having sex. She begged be for about 10 minutes, then gave up tried to leave.

We were both still fairly intoxicated, and I was worried she would get in a car accident, so I hid her purse in the hopes that she wouldn't leave without it. She shortly figured out that I had moved it, and grabbed it off of me. At this point she became really angry with me. She went to grab her keys out of her purse, but they weren't there. She decided to try and walk instead of driving.

Still drunk and upset about what had happend, I followed her to the end of the road (less than a block). I wanted to understand what the hell just happend, and if she actually had feelings for me or I was just a fuck.

Earlier that night we had gone for a walk. She thought she may have dropped them on the road, so she asked me to help her look for them. We went back and forth looking for them about 3 or 4 times. For some reason she started talking about how her boyfriend wanted to have kids and get married. She said she was scared and didn't feel the same. With no keys in sight she collapsed to the road crying.

I felt really bad, but after what had happened, I didn't really know what to do, so I just stood there. Eventually she got up, she asked why I didn't pick her up, I don't remember what I said, If I did at all. We gave up and went back into my house. If all this wasn't embarrassing enough for her, no more than a couple minutes after going back inside she finally found her keys. They were in her back pocket the hole time.

Before she left she said she stated that she wanted to be friends and talk about it the next day. I was really mad at myself, I really liked her and didn't want to ruin my friendship, and I thought without a doubt that it was done.

Later that week she contacted me. She said that she had told her boyfriend and he had forgiven her. She also told me that she still wanted to be friends. Every couple of days we would meetup for a visit. We would go for walks, or hangout in her apartment. One day we were hanging out and talking about her childhood. About her mother and father, and the hard times she had growing up as a kid. She mentioned that she didn't think it was a good idea for us to be visiting anymore. She explained that she still had feelings for me and she didn't want to make another mistake.

I didn't really say anything, I didn't understand why, if she liked me so much, she wanted to stay with him. I wrote her a poem thinking that maybe she didn't know how I really felt about her => https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CVqdFPJNg00fKKW9GKsKbz2WH3hmaaScL7P8pmJcOCc/edit?usp=sharing . We didn't see each other much after that other than the occasional conversation on Google+.

I became depressed and spent more than a few nights sitting infront of my log burning furnace reflecting on things. Eventually after a number of days I called her to ask how she was doing. I asked about her and her boyfriend. I should have left it at that, but I asked a question that never ever has a good answer. "Why are you with him, if you have feelings for me?". She couldn't really give me a straight answer, eventually she came to something like he'd be a better family person or something, and she thought they could get married.

She had complained may times before that she didn't want to settle down with him, so I was really confused. I pointed this out, but she basically just said, it wasn't possible for things to change, she didn't want to hurt to her boyfriend. I had a major break down that night. I wasn't myself for some time.

Out of the blue my ex contacted me. She wanted to hangout as friends. I said it was a bad idea, but gave in anyway. I was pretty lonely and had given up on everything. She started having sex on a regular basis. Eventually we moved in together again. Eventually things went back to the way they were, it wasn't working out again.

About 3 months went by since I had talked to my friend. One day out of the blue I decided to email her and ask her how she was doing. She said she had been engaged to her boyfriend, but ended after be because controlling. I said that things were not exactly great between me and my girlfriend ether, but we were trying to work things out.

Some time later I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Not a big surprise, so I decided to end it again. Not a week before we had sex, she said she was on birth control. She wasn't. So I was stuck with her. I told her I didn't want it because I didn't make enough to take care of a child. I felt it would be irresponsible. She had a rough up bringing and something to prove to her mom. Thus why she really wanted to keep it.

I seriously thought my life as I had planned it was over. I'm a programmer and I wanted to work on my big ideas. I also wanted to travel and experience more of life before having to rase a child. I also really didn't want her to be the mother. After a number of fights, and attempts to run away and some contemplation, she thought that if she got rid of it we might be able to fix things. She made an appointment to get an abortion. Unfortunately the appointment was a full month away.

During that month I contacted my friend again. I told her about the crazy nightmare I was going through. She asked if I wanted to meetup. I knew it was a huge risk and if my girlfriend found out shed probably keep the child, but I missed her.

Me and my friend met up for a beer in a local pub. She talked about some of the things going on in her life, some good some bad. We bantered on about society and or common interests. We also talked about my situation and how trapped I felt. She told me she was had been dating someone who turned out to be quite an abusive prick. Eventually she broke up with the nut case. Apparently he threw quite a fit.

We continued to visit on and off. One night she invited me over to her house. She played guitar and showed me some songs she was working on, then we played on old super nintendo games. We had a great time. She dropped me off at home. We sat in the car for quite awhile, still sharing our passions. We both want to make a positive difference in the world and solve some really big and small problems with society. Just as I was leaving she pull me in and kissed me then gave me a big hug.

I figured things might get better from this point forward, I'd be free soon, and my friend would to. I thought we might become good friends again, and maybe if lucky, something more one day down the road. Then my nightmare set back in again. My girlfriend cancelled the appointment. She had nearly taken off to her moms, but changed her mind for some reason at the last moment. Probably because I was so unhappy I seemed near suicidal.

She made another appointment and yes, it was in yet another month. Me and my friend saw each other even less and before I could walk way from my nightmare she decided my friend decided she couldn't wait anymore. She didn't talk to me anymore.

I moved away, back to my parents. It's been 6 months since I left there. Me and my friend don't talk anymore, and I'm really having a hard time with it. I really miss her. In desperation contacted her a few times. Once by email to say I really missed her. I was drunk and overly emotional.

Then about a month after, just after a crazy night out drinking with friends, I called her. I knew things weren't the same anymore, and I didn't expect her to be all friend like again, but I was really surprised none the less. She said I was creeping her out and that she wanted me to stop calling contacting her. I really didn't understand as I hadn't talked to her at all with the exception of the email. Its was really weird, and out of no where. I didn't understand, but I said, "ok, you won't hear from me again.". She never told me she didn't want to talk anymore prior to that call, we just didn't talk anymore.

A sensible person would have left it at that. But instead, last night I sent her an apology for everything that happend. I said I felt like I had ruined things and that it could have been different. Before you jump to tell me, I'm aware that its not ever going to change and I'm pretty dam sure she's moved on. I really just need some advice on how to cope with it. I've never met anyone like her before and I don't think I ever will again. I figured the pain would go away after a few months but still I really miss her.

Thanks for taking the time to listen, any advice would be appreciated.

Update: Apparently she thinks I've been sending her really creepy messages. including this gem "Your beauty would be to finally succeed and do everyone around you a favor. Come on you know you want to.", urging her to commit suicide. Something I would never ever send anyone. Especially not a friend.