I’m so tired of feeling like I will never be able to meet gods standards it’s exhausting

Hi everyone! Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I am technically semi new to all of this, at least in terms of taking it seriously.

Anyway, where do I start? lol, I’ve been having the absolute worst spiritual crisis of my life. Since my grandpa passed away, I have been making an effort to get closer to god, as I know he is the only one who can truly bring me peace during this time, and also bc I’ve just realized how important It is to me to have a relationship with our father. But ever since I started reading the Bible and trying to find community, I feel more alone and isolated than ever. Please don’t let the title of the post mislead you, I’m not saying god has unreasonable standards, I’m referring to how Christians/chyrches treat people, they inflict so much fear, and don’t seem to understand that some people are extremely vulnerable. Me for example, I have religious OCD and hearing about the things that will send people to hell constantly, literally gives me such intense panic attacks it feels like emotional torture.

Yes, I understand the importance of repentance and turning away from sin, what I’m saying is that telling people that everything is demonic is not helpful, it makes them become paranoid. I myself have been so scared of what is influencing me, bc of how much Christian’s and the churches talk about the enemy.

I didnt even realize religion is like this until my 20s, bc I grew up with very loving parents/grandparents, that did not mention hell to me or use god as a fear tactic when I misbehaved, they instead focused on teaching me about the love of christ, and the importance of trusting him to get us through hard times, etc. When I came out as bi at 18, my family’s reaction was literally just that they already knew, completely unphased😂

But as I got older, and I realized I wanted to connect more with god, that’s when things became confusing. I didn’t realize how hateful people could be, not to mention the “holier than thou” attitude. I’ve had a decent amount of Christian friends, and when I tell you almost all of them were borderline narcissists I’m not even kidding. One of them was a literal compulsive liar but yet loved god so much. Like?? Why do people condemn others so much all while disregarding the fact that lying is a sin too!

Sorry for the rant, I’m just really struggling. I want a relationship with god more than anything but it’s so hard, between grieving my grandpa and trying to put things into perspective when most “Christ followers” are more interested in condemning people than showing the love of god, I am just so exhausted. I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night most of this week bc I am so scared I will never be able to meet god’s standards no matter how bad I try, bc everything I do is sinful. I feel like I will never be who he wants me to be, and I know god loves us no matter what, but the world we live in makes that hard to believe all of the time.