Losing

I don't even know why I'm writing this, but meh. I don't even know what to start with, but meh. I don't even know if I'll submit this in the end, but meh. Meh, that's the problem. This motherfucking 'meh'. I've never given a fuck about anything, or at least I pretended to, I think it made me feel 'cool'? I'm not even sure this is the truth, I don't fucking know what I think. I've always been considered as an 'intelligent' person, someone you could talk to about anything, that guy who got good grades without touching a book. I'm 20, I'm Italian, I'm studying linguistic mediation at university. I still don't study that much and I still passed my last year's exams with high grades. But I don't give a fuck. I've had some strange suicidal thoughts since I was 16,only last year I had the guts to do it but I failed. I think, I think all the fucking time, and i think this is what led me to where I am now - nowhere. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. I don't know what I like and I don't know what my ideals are. I used to be witty, funny, or at least that's how I see past-me. Now I barely talk. I've tried almost every kind of drug but heroin, I get drunk kinda everyday and all I think about since I wake up in the morning is getting high/drunk to feel something. During my life I understood that people are egotist (so am I, I think), I saw how selfish it really is to be told 'I miss you/I want you/I love you'. I, I, I, I. I don't think I've got anything to share with anyone. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I 'is', to be honest. I lost my identity, I see myself as a mass of atoms walking around. A mistake in the universe, the failure of the evolution, a 'god' 's broken toenail. I don't know who I am. I play piano, I play football and I've been told I'm kinda good at both. But where the fuck should I go, who should I talk to, what should I do, where should I start to build myself again? I don't know who/what I am. Just kinda needed to write it somewhere, sorry for any mistake. You don't have to answer me, I just.. needed to write it somewhere. I think I tend to repeat myself. Have a nice day/night.