The Teletubbies are living in a gulag

I was watching some Teletubbies recently for old times sake, and it struck me immediately just how dystopian and depressing their situation truly is. Firstly, let's consider their age - I imagine that one of these two scenarios must be true:

• A) the Teletubbies are grown adults who for some reason (i.e. brain damage) behave like infants, or
• B) the Teletubbies are orphans, considering the complete lack of any parental figure in their lives.

Now let's look at the compound that they live in, known as Teletubby Land. They are monitored 24/7, allowed to eat only at designated meal times (and it's usually just one slice of toast), and their activities are dictated to them through a mechanical speaker which rises from the ground. These "activities" consist mainly of subjecting the Teletubbies to "magic events" (read: experiments).

Though perhaps worst of all, the television set which has been grafted into their stoumachs, which is used for the entertainment of the viewer. Presumably, this screen is powered by their own metabolism, and it is not pleasant for the Teletubbies - this can be seen when the Teletubbies are being selected for Television Service, to which Po often responds "uh-oh". When one subject is selected and the other Teletubbies cheer, we can only assume that they are merely glad to have not been selected today.

If I assume that the age scenario A is true, and the Teletubbies are adults, then I can further assume that their diminished intellectual capacity is a direct result of some of this experimentation that is performed upon them (the worst of which probably happens off-screen). This has left the Teletubbies in a childlike, and likely heavily traumatised, state of mind. If, on the other hand, scenario B is true, then it's all arguably even more cruel.

Of course, their captors are smart, and in order to prevent the Teletubbies from suffering a complete mental breakdown they have implemented some measures to lift the spirits. They have painted happy faces on their toastmeal to prompt them to smile, even if only for a moment, and calm their minds just like the soft pink walls you often see in prison and mental facilities. They have gone so far as to provide an artificial sun, and we know it's artificial because it has the face of a baby on it, and the baby is laughing - the baby would not be laughing if it lived in the society in which the Teletubbies live. And of course the Tubby Masters will occasionally treat the Teletubbies to "tustard", which is clearly just a yoghurt, runny enough to be consumed with a straw and probably nowhere near as tasty as we'd like to imagine. I actually had tubby tustard when I was a child and it was disappointing to say the least.

I'm probably only scratching the surface, I did a little cursory truth-seeking and there are some Teletubby experts out there who insist that the Teletubbies have mutated due to being exposed to extreme levels of radiation. It wouldn't surprise me. I couldn't bring myself to watch any more Teletubbies as it is simply too horrific. I now go to bed, probably to have a nightmare about being a Teletubby. I just hope I'm not Po...