I hate my self so much :( POCD?

It all begun on dinner table with my family and relatives were having good time. One of my relative made notification about gay people and my head turned red and I went to akward. My heart started to beat more and I couldn’t feel normal in my body. I felt like, that I vibrated this energy, which I believe made people think that I was gay and insulted about what my relative had said. This was extremly humiliating to me, because where I live, people tend to be conservative.

Now days I don’t get red any more that often, but certain words tend to trigger my mind. And when my mind is triggered, my breathing becomes more hard, my heart beating goes up and I can’t control it. Sometimes I feel like that I get electric shock and my body makes this kind of shake movement. I feel absolutely self conscious to the point that I can’t control my self and feel like everyone on the same room can sense/ see how I feel or how I react. Sometimes my body language makes others anxious too, I can see that. On the nutshell, some words trigger me and make me very anxious.

I give you example:

We are in the classroom and teacher is teaching us. Teacher show us educational video. At some point in this video, some guy says ”plug”. In a context it means sparg plug in a car engine, but my subconscious mind associate this word to sextoy. My body reacts and I can’t controll my self. Once again, I feel like everyone notice me, which makes me even more anxious.

Another example is when someone says ”children”, ”14”, ”predator”. If it would just be that I react someone saying plug or homo sexual, but it is also these kind of like taboo pedofilian reffering words. I know I am not pedofile, I know I am not monster, but I fear that people believe I am. We all know, that you can’t judge human for something you don’t have evidence for, but that someone having hunches for you based on how your body language tells, feels terrible. I can’t be 100% sure, that people has hinches about me being pedophile or homosexual, but somehow I sense that some individuals might have. This is extremly frustrating.

So on a nutshell, someone says or somewere is spesific word, I get triggered, my body reacts and my body language tells false information for others about me.

This has been going on now allmoust 18 months and I can’t stand this anymore. I don’t know am I mad, or am I thinking too much, or what a hell is this all about, but this is driving me crazy to the point that I fear social interactions and I try to avoid them. People who know me try to avoid words that trigger me, but new people don’t know this about me and get confused about it.

Usually this is at worst, day after alcohol use, when I am having hangover. And on best, when I have done some sports.

Can anyone undestand me? I am sorry if this text was confusing and I thank you for reading it.

I hate my self being like this.