Playing Chess in Therapy

I am so tired of playing chess in therapy. I’m (F) tired of myself, of my therapist (M), of therapy. I’m tired of moving him across the board and moving myself too after every session. adjusting our places every single time. “This session was great”, I move him closer. “This session I felt “loved” by him”, I move myself closer. This session / after this text message I feel rejected, I move him away. At the same time I know that he’s supposed to be a person who cares for me because of past history. I’m tired of the math and continuous adjustments. Sometimes he’s so close, other times I get involved in other areas, and his place becomes smaller. Last time I texted him while he probably was at work, I realized he didn’t pay complete attention to what I wrote, so I understood that he’s probably busy/tired (which is absolutely ok). I texted him thank you and sorry, that I know he’s probably busy/tired and that I don’t want to be heavy on him (meaning a person who’s tiring). He liked the message (heart) and didn’t tell me for example that he is busy but I’m not a heavy person. I texted him today that I’d like to cancel our session next week and he told me okay, are we gonna meet week after?

Ffs.