Source
r/loseit•
helloily

Grandma hijacking my progress to insult family

I hope this is a good place to post this, it feels like a really awkward situation. The women in my family tend to be overweight, including my mom and grandmother, but I'd been pretty thin until college. I gained 30lbs in college, but I didn't tell anyone in my family I was trying to lose weight recently until I showed up for a family dinner. I was really proud, so I told my mom what I'd been doing, and the 15lb loss is pretty noticeable, so she bragged to everyone about it (that was sweet of her).

However, my grandmother has always been incredibly judgmental. It's a miracle she never called me fat when I'd gained, but she trashes the looks of my overweight (identical twin) sister behind her back, so I can infer. My grandmother especially loves to make life hard on my mom, only ever complimenting her behind her back!

So the real problem I'm having here is my grandmother heard I lost weight and immediately started ragging on how fat my mom is and how much she needs to go on weight watchers again! I had no idea what to say to get her to stop using my accomplishment as ammunition against my mom, and it happened again last night! More about how my mom needs weight watchers, and she shamed my mom about her weight gain since stopping WW. All I could think of was lame things like how gaining weight is delicious... I mean I was unhappy with my weight when I gained, but clearly I didn't care enough to do anything about it then. That's fine, I had other priorities like classes and trying to be happy with myself. I even find pictures of me at my highest more attractive now that I'm happier and doing something about it. No amount of fat shaming can make someone feel positively motivated, and my mom is a wonderful person who deserves recognition for many things other than her body size.

How can I change the conversation when it gets like this, and can you think of anything that would shut this little old woman up? I'm hoping to have a chat with my mom about how awful I think my grandmother is being. As I left yesterday, my grandmother joked cheerily at me: "dont get fat again or I'll beat you up!"

I plan on still losing more weight, but now I feel like I have to feel guilty about it, and like I have no right to defend "fat" people, or that if I get skinny I'm rubbing it in people's faces. Yeah this takes a lot of work, but that doesn't mean I think other people are lazy... Different priorities in my opinion.

I'd really appreciate some advice. Shaming anyone for anything around me is upsetting, but I'm too timid to stop this.

Posted Apr 21, 2013, 5:07 PM UTC

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75
[deleted]•

Have an up-vote for "woman up".

10
Bufoamericanus•

It sounds like you and I have the same grandmother and it sounds like you are one hell of a wonderful daughter and woman.

Good for you for keeping up this healthy habit for yourself! I am sorry that the praise that you are getting for your hard work is now colored by the body shaming that your grandmother is perpetuating.

When this happened in my family, I got myself all geared up for a fight, but it wasn't necessary. I talked to my mom about how awful I thought my grandmother was and it was nice to know that my mom felt similarly hurt and disturbed by my grandmother's behavior. In my mom's case, she just didn't have the energy to stand up to her after being shamed and berated like that and just gave up. It probably reinforced some internalized body shame my mom has as well. :( Talking to my mom is what solidified in my mind that I wanted to say something, particularly because I knew my mom probably wouldn't.

What worked the best for us was whenever my grandma made some kind of remark like "don't get fat again or I'll beat you up," I would just say, "I am glad you are so happy to see me in good health Grandma, that means a lot to me, but I also appreciate being accepted just as a I regardless of my appearance. There are many more qualities about myself that make me awesome that go much deeper and are much more important than appearances and it is nice to know you are proud of those too."

It was hard to say, but it was wayyyy worth it. She actually got defensive and told me and mom that she "hadn't meant it that way" (lol) and actually changed her tune to not make herself look quite so bad. I hope my example helps!

13
helloilyOP•

Those responses are exactly what I want to say! Luckily my mom seems to have managed her depression recently, and she claims my grandmother's nastiness goes over her head now. I'm still so uncomfortable with that kind of language disguised as well-intentioned nagging, I can empathize way too well with how that shaming affected my mom only a few years ago! I might have to work on something for next time - at least a "worth doesn't lie in the waistline" kind of thing if not "shaming people does nothing to make them better"

1
popeyes_chicken•

If my own grandma hadn't passed a few years ago I'd swear we were family.

Honestly, if she's the way I think she is it'll just get uglier and uglier the longer you argue, and you'll only be causing more emotional damage as the fight mutates. What I'd do (and have done for my own family, in the past) is make your mom something nice and healthy that you know she likes and have a nice talk over dinner. Remind her of all the wonderful ways she's succeeded. She's got two (or more?) children raised well, and we know at least one is kind, motivated, and working hard in college. You're right in that it has to be her own choice; no amount of shaming or pressure will get her into a gym. Just let her know you love her, you're proud of her, and no matter what her dress size is that'll never change.

6
helloilyOP•

I actually did this today, and I feel a lot better! My mom said that she's so used to the verbal harassment that she doesn't even hear it anymore! My Grandma had been nasty to her for forever... But it helped because my mom was my biggest worry. She'd been depressed my entire life, so I know those harsh words used to cut deep, just like I'd feel if my grandma called me fat to my face. I didn't realize how strong my mom has gotten, even though I know she's remarried recently and happier than ever! Maybe we can ignore my grandma together - at least my mom knows now that I'm not condoning that shaming at all! And I have weight loss advice if she ever wants it :)

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[deleted]•

I hope you don't spend too much time with this grandma. Life is too short to spend it with nasty people who try to tear you down.

1
IngwazK•

never thought i'd get to say this but,

YOU GOTSTA PIMP SLAP YO GRAM MA

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helloilyOP•

Bwahahahaha I can see her now, tiny round woman flailing, bowled over backwards, white hairs flying, and the distant applause of the crowd :)

I'll keep that for Plan B

1
[deleted]•

My grandmother was the same way! Back when I was a kid my mom put the family on WW. My Gma has always been big (I havn't seen her in years, but its safe to estimate she is 5'2 and at least 300 lbs). I think she was not happy with herself and when she heard we were trying to make healthier decisions she didn't want us to succeed because then she would be fat all by herself, instead of on big fat family. So while we were on WW she would send us these big chocolate things for our birthdays (It wasn't a cake, but it was molded to look like one) and various other sweets. I only realized as I got older how shitty that was, trying to sabotage other family members for her own personal gain.

People like that just need to be confronted, especially when they intentionally go behind peoples backs. They think they are getting away with their behavior because they are avoiding the conflict that comes with being rude to a persons face.

5
helloilyOP•

Exactly! And she says it like she's genuinely concerned, but it's none of her damn business if one of us or all of us is fat! At least she's not sending me chocolate cakes... That's a whole other level of sabotage!

2
daftkrav•

It's not as if it's a secret that overeating is bad for you, so you shouldn't feel guilty about your achievement. People won't think you're rubbing it in their faces because it takes hard work and dedication, and if they are overweight they'll know exactly how hard it is to do it. Everyone else has the info available to them, and you'll do more to inspire people if you keep going and take it in your stride.

You could put her on the spot by bringing up nice things she said about your mum when she puts her down? "Oh that's not what you said last week when yada yada".

Or if she insults or disrespects your mum or sister ask her to stop or you'll get them to sit on her. If that fails I would escalate and start being nasty to her. Make old age comments, like saying things like "you told us that already" and looking worried.

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helloilyOP•

Haha I like the threat to sit on her! I also like the idea of reinforcing the positive things she said, this is a woman who deals in extremes of emotions only. I'd probably be disowned for being nasty, but I can totally handle passive aggressive subject moves - just something that doesn't reward her for her comments like laughing along.

1
[deleted]•

Is it really a bad thing to be disowned by such a person?

1
Shelmaur•

"stop using my accomplishment as ammunition for your hate-cannon."

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3†
Konebred•

Next time ask her why she raised your mom to be so unhealthy.

3
RoseWolfie•

A lot of people say to comfront her,but doing so might just lead to more conflict. I know,my father was the same way, still is. I would first talk to your mom, show her your love and support, that she doesnt need her mothers approval for life. Same goes for your sister and anyone else harassed by your grandma. Then if you all can seperate yourselves from her do it. Just before though i would gather thee group together to tell your grandma that what she says is hurtful, unsupportive, unhelpful, and even hindering everyones progress. Tell her that until she changes her attitude the bunch of you will have nothing to do with her. When she is willing to change her ways welcome back with open arms. Lets see how she feels when she is alienated by the family she alienated first.

3
helloilyOP•

My mom seemed to really appreciate my support today, but apparently I'm affected more by those nasty words than she is! I think we can easily ignore her if I know that everyone treats my grandmother like a ranting lunatic, but I dont know if that will make me feel better next time she does it. She's a real down-home southern woman, so calling her out on rudeness might actually do something.

1
RoseWolfie•

Its up to you, but you can always just seperate yourself from her. Never see her again etc. You always have a choice who you want affecting your life. As for your mom, classic shes use to it.

1
hippo_canoe•

She's been this way for a long time, and will stay that way for the foreseeable future. Admit that, and accept that you cannot change her. Then apply a consistently firm, but not aggressive set of responses to her behaviors, and stick with it.

Next, make sure you protect your hard won achievements. Keep yourself healthy, and focused on what got you to where you are today. Get thee away from her as fast as you can, even if you think you are being rude. "Grandma, I'm so glad you noticed my weight loss. I feel really good about it. Now I have to go and get out from under your shit shower take care of some other things."

Finally, when you are in the right frame of mind, tell her that you don't like the way she runs your mom down. "Grandma, you know, when you talk so nasty to and about Mom, it makes me wonder how you could be so awfully mean. When you do that, I have to leave. Bye."

When the inevitable attempt to blame you comes down try this one. "Gosh that sounds really hard for you. I have to go now. Take care."

3
helloilyOP•

Thanks, I definitely try to keep my distance! She just pushes people away like that and it's her own fault if I have to call her out on it - I'm definitely the non-confrontational type! I'm going to try not to feel guilty about my progress, but I feel like especially with my sister everyone is comparing us - big problem with twins... She wants to lose weight, but I dont want her to be forced or shamed into it.

1
hippo_canoe•

Try to imagine two people standing face to face, about 3 feet apart. If Bob closes the distance Al, and crosses into Al's personal space, Bob is being aggressive. If Al backs up he is being passive. If Al holds his ground, neither advancing nor retreating he is being assertive. When Bob closes in, he is showing no respect for the rights of Al. If Al backs up, he is showing no respect for his own rights. But if Al stands his ground, he communicates respect for the rights of both of them.

Being assertive, refusing to be trampled on, isn't easy, but its the only way you can maintain perspective in the face of your grandma's attacks. Good luck!

2
helloilyOP•

Thank you, I tend to undervalue myself so I like that visual :)

1
jakeduhjake•

"Hey. That's my mom. Nobody gets to talk about my mom like that."

3
DidntClickGuy•

BAM! Exactly. This is exactly what you should say. "I love you and I'll stand by you with my life, but I'll do the same for my mom and sister, and I don't like it when you talk about them that way."

A lot of women from older generations get these odd hangups about weight or appearance, because they were taught from a very young age to value these things as though their lives depended on them.

My wife's mother offers her little rewards in exchange for her weight loss, which I found really insulting at first. But then I realized that this is just a really sad statement about her life - if she really thinks that a woman's worth is inversely proportional to her weight, I pity her greatly for the kinds of tortuous insecurities she must have. And if she wants to hand out gifts or babysit for us while we go to the movies, I'll be fucked if I don't take her up on it. :)

2
back2reddit•

Quite honestly I would stop associating with her except when necessary, and call her out on her attitude. That's not ok.

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helloilyOP•

I already distance myself from her - I'm just not sure how or even if I should call her out on it. My mom says she's so used to the nagging she doesn't even hear it, which helps my guilt but wow how shitty.

1
[deleted]•

It is a shitty thing for her to do, but if your mom's not bothered by it it's probably not worth the confrontation. Grandma isn't likely to change and your mom probably knows not to take it to heart by now--chances are she's been living with it her whole live. It's probably more productive to just heap more love on Mom.

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[deleted]•

OP's mom might be putting on a brave face, but don't think for one second that this crap doesn't hurt. It sounds more like she is so broken down and low on self worth, that's why she puts up with it.

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[deleted]•

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helloilyOP•

Thank you, this is how I feel about family too. That's really good motivation not to back down, and I'm going to reread this comment when I see her again next month - hopefully having lost even more weight and when basically my entire family will be there and free game for weight commentary. Not at my expense thankyouverymuch.

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martusfine•

Don't listen to her and her negative emotional behavior and attitude.

2
[deleted]•

Being your grandma doesn't give her special privileges to behave like a cunt. Would you/your mom take this from anyone else?

The fact that she is your grandma makes it more important to tell her straight up that she is in the wrong and give her a chance to improve herself and thus save your relationship.

I have difficult relatives too. Some of them can't or won't ever change. I will usually tell them what I think a couple of times then see how it goes. The reasonable ones take it on board, the less reasonable ones I just have to distance myself from. Not saying anything and just staying away from the person is what happens when I lose all respect and don't care at all, if I care I will at least try to get on with them.

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helloilyOP•

You're so right. I haven't given up on her, but it's hard finding the nerve to stand up to her without turning it into a hullabaloo, a THING. If I'm really smooth I could contradict her and quickly change the subject. 50/50 chance on whether she'll get defensive or follow the conversation - but either way at least I have my principles. I think.

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44Dave•

So, why do you hang out with her?

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helloilyOP•

I know.. She's my grandma, she's just also batshit. Sweetest old lady all day long and then suddenly she's dropping casual racism and insults in the most reassuringly pleasant tones. We've never been close, so I usually ignore her, but since she lives in my town now I have to find a way to love her. That doesn't include emotional putdowns though, so I'm trying to stand up to her and not let her get away with rude gossip games more often.

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44Dave•

Well, you really don't have to find a way to love her. And you really don't have to see her ever again if you don't want to.

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helloilyOP•

True that! I could put it down to being a people pleaser, but my family has never been close and we're trying really hard to like each other. I have deal-breakers, though, and if she gets toxic towards me and my sibs like she did to my mom growing up that'd be one. Right now she's mostly harmless.

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44Dave•

Good luck - I hope everything works out.

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