Tl;dr I'm so afraid I will hate myself on my wedding day because I'm too fat to fit in my original wedding dress. 

It has been an intense emotional struggle with my family since wedding planning actually started this year, and I need so much advice. In 2018 I was engaged to a different man, bought a wedding dress, and ended the relationship later because he didn't actually want to marry me. My mom loved the dress but it was double the original budget. She pressured me, and we ended up getting it because of FOMO. It wasn't exactly what I wanted but she loved it. This is the first dress pictured.

Since 2018 I've gained 40 lbs, graduated from a MS program, have been working since graduation, had one organ removed, a PCOS diagnosis, and a hypothyroidism diagnosis. With all of this, I am now too big to fit into the original dress and my wedding is in Nov of this year. I bought a cheap backup dress, the second photo, recently but feel so ashamed because of what my parents have said or done pertaining to my weight (I.e. My dad has grabbed my arms and called me fat, while breaking up with my ex-fiancé I lost 20 lbs because I couldn't eat. Instead of telling me it'll be okay, my mom said I needed to slim down in front of both of my siblings and their partners.) 

Throughout my entire childhood 'fatphobia' was pushed to the point now I am afraid of being around people since I've gained weight. I can't stand looking at photos of myself. I even asked our engagement photographer to avoid full body shots. I'm actively trying to lose weight, I've gone to the doctor, I'm exercising, I've changed my diet, and I play on a volleyball team weekly. But I'm still ashamed. I have no clue how to be okay with my size. I've seen people who look similar to me via height and weight and think they're gorgeous. But for me, I can't see that. I'm so afraid I will be ashamed of my body during my wedding to the point that I'm scared of even inviting people due to my size. 

Flash forward to now, and my mom just passed away. I'm struggling with how to not feel ashamed about my weight, about my dress choice, and about getting married after her passing even though we weren't extremely close.

How should I approach feeling ashamed for not conforming to my family's beauty standards? 

How should I address not fitting in my original dress with the added complexity that it was my recently passed mom's favorite dress? 




I'm scared of looking fat in photos because of the things my family has said.