The years feel like a blur now

Just a vent piece

Now that I’m out, I feel like I can’t recall the last 5 years of my life. It all feels like a dream. The good days, the bad days all seem like they weren’t real. I have had trouble processing the abuse, or even calling it abuse. I see women being beaten every day, stripped of their financial freedom and that wasn’t the case for me. For me it was almost sinister. I’d be on a cloud with him for weeks, happy and laughing and being a family only for it to come crashing down on that “one” day. That day I was a bit**, I was fat, ugly, worthless and small, I was less than a dog. That day I was “just like my dead mother”, I was stupid, on that day I was washing laundry detergent out of my hair for yelling over him for once, I was fishing my belongings out of the dumpster, replacing another broken item, on those nights I was placing cold spoons on my eyes so no one knew I was crying the next day. on those days my kids witnessed their mom being belittled in every way. But most days they seen their mom being loved and cared for. They seen laughter and normalcy, most days we really were happy. Sometimes I wish he would have been abusive all the time, atleast then I could say with certainty that he was in fact abusive. Instead I’m left in limbo, questioning whether what I experienced for the last 6 years was real, was it abuse? Or am I over exaggerating moments I may have over stepped, or said something I shouldn’t have. It’s so hard to process what you don’t even understand.