I (29M) feel like a single farther in a relationship with my wife (29F), how do i communicate without history repeating itself?

Hi

So, I've (29M) been with my wife (29F) for about 5 years, together we have a son (2,5y) whom we adore and love to heaven and above.

After she gave birth she had a prolonged maternityleave for abit over a year (thank you EU laws), she was "on" alot sine our son was breastfed, i helped however i could by cleaning, doing groceries and cooking most of the time. After that 1 year she stopped breastfeeding and she went back to work full time (EU so childcare is affordable). Since then the "assignements" around the house havent really changed. I do most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping and financials. She does do some cleaning and she does most if not all of the child clothes shopping.

After the fact im also the one who sleeps (cosleeping) with our son whilst she gets a rest in another room unless my shifts get me up at 4AM or i have a nightshift, then we swap, else its me. I feel like i have the mornings and evenings alone, since I also get up with him and either entertain for the weekend or get him ready for daycare (he gets up at 5AM but we first go to daycare at 8AM ish, so its still 3 hours).

The past 6 months she has really gotten into shape after the pregnancy and looks exactly like herself before our son. It has motivated me to get into shape again so thats great, but in the same timeline I feel she has checked out of the relationship. Theres barely any affection from her side and i keep getting turned down (where in the past i was the one to turn her down so im not better either). I fear she is doing the whole routine of getting in shape getting different cosmetic things down and overall getting ready to leave me.

I want to make it work, I'm doing most of the duties at home because i feel good doing "alot" and it gives me a sence of pride that "i can take alot and keep going for the family", but its also in the hope that it gives her more energy.

So when i tell her I've bit over more than i can chew and need her help in the day to day it just explodes into an argument, where all i say is overwritten when I say something that can be interpreted as very negative and shes just latched onto that, which is where i start apologizing and we make up and move on without awknowleding anything I've had to say. I take the minor victory it is, that i got to say what i wanted and hope she alteast reflects on it, but I'm left disappointed time and time again.

To give an example, I've take our son on trips to parks or just to his granparents or had him alone for the weekend the past month or 2. When I then tell her "woulent it be nice to go and do X or Y with our son, just you and him?" she recieves it that shes not doing a good job as a mom since she thinks im saying shes not spending enough time with him. Then the argument is about that sentence and everything else is null and void. What im really asking for is time off.

On top of all of this, I just want her to think of me and go "what would be nice for husband? what would he want" when i feel i do that alot. I try to lead by example and communicate that I'd love for her to think of us like that. But then it turns into an argument where shes mad at me for saying she is not good enough and pulls the divorce card within the first 3-4 sentences.

I feel like im a single father, doing all the chorse but still have the stress of thinking of her aswell and what i can do to appease her more so shes not so pressured but get nothing in return.

Please advise me in ways how i can express that i want us to share the responibilities more and be more of a team without it sounding condecending and being turned into me apologizing for something the argument wasent even about.

And also, do you think shes checked out? Because i dont want to fight a lost cause anymore than I already fear i have..

Last of all, if someone has a book i should try and read or an article that might help me improve please share im open to all suggestions.