Genuine question for us all

I seeked a violent death in my early 20s, I enlisted in the Marine Corp as I had hoped such would come, do you call that conditioning, instinct, or is it a cry out for help? What if it’s something else? Do I want war for the sake of war? Am I doomed to believe that as I’ll be getting out as a Marine with no combat deployments I’ll spend the rest of my life wishing for it so I may test myself against the most hellish creation ever made? Is this truly a good thing? Am I damned to nothing but wandering circles begging for my flesh to ripped from my body so I can finally say that the training was all worth it? The peacetime Marine Corp is a hellish nightmare spent in endless training for something that never comes, spent at the beck and call of some piece of shit lifer E-go fuck yourself getting off on a power trip over shaves and haircuts shaves and haircuts whittling us down as more and more marines kill themselves in an unending death spiral of unaccountable senior leadership getting good men killed to fulfill their own pride and ego, how many marines were alive before the fall of Afghanistan, what about after? What of the 2030 plan? Will HIMARS commanders really have ultimate engagement authority? Will the support network spread out over hundreds of islands really be sustained in long term operations? ITS A BEAST THAT WAGES WAR ON ITSELF, BABYLON DECLARES WAR ON BABYLON NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS WE’RE JUST WALKING CORPSES IN FLAK AND KEVLAR LED BY THE INCOMPETENT TELLING US THAT CLOSE ORDER DRILL AND UNIFORM STANDARDS WILL SHIELD US FROM UNENDING SAVAGERY OF THE HUMAN SOUL HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA